The Monster in my future

 "You'll learn. Just wait until.....then you'll learn."

I have spent my whole life being told there is a monster in my future. Any particular challenges were framed as monstrously difficult. When I was single I was told "just wait till you get a girlfriend." When I got one I was told, "wait till you get married." Then it became "wait till you have kids." I remember distinctly being at work talking about something having to do with my children and an elderly man pipped up, "just wait till your kids turn 25." I was struck by this line. I realised how many times people told me to "just wait." I got a girlfriend, I got married, I had kids, I grew those kid and now my oldest will soon be 12. I faced challenges, but I always went at circumstance with the belief that most problems have some pretty simple solutions: 1. faith in God 2. faith in me 3. having a desire to persevere greater than my own ego. Whether it was dealing with the profound anxiety of being a father to a new born or dealing with a break down of my newly wed bride. 

Faith in God. I believe God is the agent of balance in the universe. I believe that his purposes and will function to bring about a sustainable universe both in the real and in the spiritual. All books have an author, all rivers start from somewhere. Understanding God as the agent of balance causes me to believe "this too shall pass." I can persevere and I can succeed because if I am functioning in the flow of a purposeful God I can ridge that purpose to a better place. I have been in darkness and faith has given me the ability to put one foot in front of the other and move on.

Faith in me. This is not self-confidence. It is something more akin to trusting that, while I am not my perfect, my goals and my intentions are not malicious no matter how it may be framed by others. This might seem obvious, but I struggle with feelings of shame and inadequacy and affording myself the grace to believe that I am not a creature of malicious intent is a daily exercise for me. Once upon a time, I would seek to take the blame. I would actively aspire to the be the monster. If an apology helped I would simply drag myself through the pain and come to a peace. The problem is that Jesus said, "you will know the truth and the truth will set you free." If I believe in truth, it is incumbent upon me to seek truth and the truth is it's not "all my fault." This leaves me with a responsibility to the truth over the good feelings of others. I am responsible to seek freedom and seek the truth. People can often use this in a wicked way. Taylor Swift had a great line from a song, "casually cruel in the name of being honest." The responsibility to truth is an internal vow to myself that, regardless of whether it is easier, I am not going to be the monster in the story because that is not the truth. While I recognise that I need to own my mistakes, my life includes my mistakes as well as the mistakes of others.

Finally, I have had to desire to continue greater than my own ego. I have wanted to run, hide, die and leave. Passionately. Those are all real emotions and every single time I have had to dig into and find a path through. Whether it was thinking about how my kids would cope with my decisions or just bearing down and moving forward, each of these feelings hide my own insecurity. Even, as I write this, I am my mothers son. I have walked through my own Hell and I'm sure there will be more. In me I have a will that drags me forward. That even when my feelings of humiliation, self-loathing and shame stir in me, I am compelled to move the machine forward step by step. 

All this leads me to talk about, as Grover would say, "the monster at the end of this book." This monster is none other than a "teenager." Oh the negativity people have around a teenager. My dear 12 year old son (if you believe the words of others) on his 13th birthday will change shape into a stinky, angry toad. He will hate me and he will think I dont know anything. People told me lots of terrible things about kids at various times. 

One lesson has guided my parenting. When I was 28 I was an EA in a program that was essentially the last stop for kids before juvenile hall. These kids were not kind. The teacher told me, "you build social credit with these kids. You take out what you put in. These are the kinds of kids where, if you have not invested in them, and you attempt to pull it out than they will shut you down. I have always believed that as it relates to parenting. I believe if my kids don't count me as a fountain of love, affection and wisdom than I will never expect to receive anything from them. I am not entitled to their respect. I create an environment where respect is required. They expect it from me and in turn they give it back. When tenants of respect are violated they will call me out on it and I will confess my failures to them if the situation calls for it. 

It goes for any virtue. If I fail to model it, I cant expect it in return. If I want them humble, I humble myself to them. If I want them kind then I show kindness. When the virtues of my house are not maintained then this is also highlighted. They want the good that I offer them. I offer them safety and security from parents who are accept them and love them at their worst. When I am in a difficult moment my wife will confess I often say, "you know when I said I love you and I am proud of you, it includes moments like these." 

While I know there are curve balls and life can be vicious, I also believe that I have the absolute best kids. What I mean by that is that there's nobody in the world I enjoy more than my children. They are funny, kind, sweet, smart, sharp and a delight. They have a dad who will hold them when they cry and who will fight them if they need an adversary. They are happy and the joy of their person is evident to anyone who meets them. They know they belong to team Vogt. I am confident that me and Doris are capable of dealing with their changes while still keeping them grounded in a family that celebrates them. They belong here with us. They go out and share in the rest of the world, but in their hearts they know the embrace of their father and mother is the place they want to be. 

I am highly sceptical of kids who become teenagers in a house like this becoming vindictive monsters. Before you look at my children or me and decide you know my future, take into account the evidence of who they are and bare that in mind before you attempt to curse me with a dark and ugly prediction of the future.