The insecurity of regurgitation

*disclaimer- I have two seemingly unrelated points I will weave together at the end so stick with me. Also this post might get a bit gross just fyi*

Now and again people will ask you what the biggest surprise is of being a new parent and they are expecting a host of typical cliches, "not enough sleep," "changing diapers" and the like. I never really had an answer because enough people would tell me horror stories that anything short of those stories I consider a bonus. I have only now realized the answer to this question for myself and that is the amount that babies regurgitate. A reality of never having processed food is that one's body doesn't have the ability to "take it all in" ergo some of it comes out. For those of you who have taken care of or take care of babies know, they puke a lot. Now I was prepared for almost every other component other than that. You can be looking at this sweet little baby you see above only to find a terrible mess on his shirt in the next moment. Life is good for surprises like that

I have also learned recently that, though I have never liked coffee, I quite like espresso. Through this particular revelation I have also learned (via the coffee shop next door) that I should avoid it due to its $5 a cup price tag. During one of my revelatory trips to the coffee shop I eaves dropped on a group of middle aged men having what I concluded was a pity party. One particular man was saying how he realized that everything he knew about Christianity was 100% false and the group of men around him began spouting new age Oprah Winfrey type stuff to make him feel better. Now I confess that as a Christian I am biased, but as an academic using the phrase 100% just raises my dander. I am quite shocked that as much in our world where we claim to value logic and reason we can so categorically dismiss an entire realm of thought without even the slightest concession such as, "I respect some of their ideals." I have observed that men get more insecure as they age because they realize that their tenuous hold on power is slipping away.

What I am getting at is that there just isn't any real way to prepare yourself. You can think that there is but a child always has a surprise in store and instead of looking at life and surrounding yourself with people who will pity you, sometimes you just need to roll with it. I am continually surprised at the versatility my wife has shown. Although when we were first together she seemed like someone who was easily intimidated she has held my hand and stepped into the dark reaches of the unknown with a boldness that continues to surprise me. I am grateful to God every day for her. I am also grateful that as I have put away those "100% false" ideas how much more relaxed things have been. I just dont know and thats ok. My son and wife will still respect me. My family and friends will still respect me. God still loves me and is merciful to me because, and I say this in the truth of spirit, I just dont know.

A New Year

We are so excited for the New Year

I spent New Years day alone, my wife was with her family and I was at home by myself. We really had the sad duty/blessing of giving our dog away so when I tell you I was home alone there was not a soul around. Now before you ask what sad circumstances left me by myself on new years eve let me say two things: 1. The older I get the less I care about it. 2. She did it as a favour to me. I am a person who appreciates solitude. It does me good some time. I reflected about the changes in the year besides the obvious and the challenges ahead. A funny thing that struck me was how becoming a father wasnt as much the experience I thought it was going to be. Dont get me wrong I love my son and few things shine more brightly to me than the smiling face of my dear Azariah. I was struck simply at how when I look at him I did not feel a profound mystical connection. It also struck me how in some ways my brother-in-law and his wife seemed more impacted having to part with him then I expected. Then it struck me that fatherhood and parenting is a lifelong thing. Like a house, you shape your relationship with your child over time. There are elements about it your not happy with and there are things you are very proud of and some things you wished you could change, but cant because thats just the way it is. Others can walk into your house, admire it, and enjoy what there is in it, but its different when you live there. I am challenged by fatherhood, not because I dont love my son, but simply that the desire to show my love doesn't come all that naturally. It also struck me when I meant a young man of 18 years who told me him and his girlfriend were having a baby that the process of creating life is not that profound a success. I look at Azariah's life and I see it as an opportunity for a labour of love. Truly, it is a loving labour to raise a child as it is a loving labour to husband my wife. I am conscious of this and as always I seek the grace of God to complete it. I have faith in God, but my faith is also sound in Azariah and Doris.