On to us a child is born, on to us a son is given

She came out of the bathroom and went up stairs and went to bed. I went to the bathroom and noticed an open pregnancy test. We had been trying for some time to have a baby, but were so far unsuccessful. I looked in the garbage and found her test. It was positive. I was wide eyed and wondered if she knew and wasnt telling me or what was going on. I went up stairs and casually asked if she took a test and she said, "yah, but it was false." I informed her to the contrary and what followed was 3 days of confirmation through various methods that indeed Azariah was on the way.

So here we are, 6 years and 9 months later. I/we have had six years to parent this kid. Its really quite surreal at times with your oldest because you are constantly being ushered into new experiences. The younger ones might feel a bit more secure, but the oldest is always the victim of your inexperience. Now, we have a new screaming flower to enjoy blossoming. That flower being personality.

So now we get into a difficult stage where he has self-determination. He knows what he wants most of the time. So how do we influence it. Do we bring down the hammer hard and make him feel the wrath of micromanagement and a merciless approach to life. Do we talk big and just kind of let our threats be the end of it. Do we let him call the shots. Chances are we know people who have our are from these types of parenting style. Realistically we are all probably some where in between.

My strategy has been to engage him in conversation. To do make believe with him when I have the time and/or energy to do so. To occasionally whisper to him, "ill love you forever." To treat him to a special and unique treat that I know he'll enjoy. To make sure that he understands respect-big time. To challenge how he thinks. To try and communicate to him and teach him in a way that he understands. Now all that sounds good, but to be honest I dont know what Im doing. This is all knew and I have realized that the perfect parent is largely fictional. So I/we bare the responsibility of this boy and teaching him how to be engaged with the world. To give him a childhood, but to give him the tools to transition to manhood.

To end my post, dear reader, I will say that I am afraid. I am a flawed man. I am emotional, foolish, impulsive and weak. I am parenting a kid that has some real struggles. My wife is flawed and has weaknesses as well. Our parents were flawed and didnt get it completely right. What are we to do? All we have is lots of love and tender hearts that will prioritize his (and his siblings) well being. Maybe thats enough. Maybe its not about being perfect, but its about being in the game. Being present and letting your love for them cover over your failures as a parent. Did it Azariah? If you are reading this some time in the future, its your sixth birthday and me and mama worry if we did it all right. We love you, we love being with you and cherish who you are as a person. We dont know what we're doing, but we want to do right by you. We have loved you every day since you have read this and we will love you every day after. I go up stairs and hug and kiss your six year old self and I will try every day to make sure you know I love you and I care. With all the power that God has put into my hands I will make sure my love for you will be felt and seen. You are a treasure an inspiration and a gift. One that you mother and I do not take lightly. Happy Birthday my sweet boy.

Living in glass houses

I've always appreciated the analogy of "people who live in glass houses shouldnt throw stones." Life and interaction with individuals always seemed to feel like stones. Subtle lashes of undertones. Physical expressions. Eye contact. These feel like stones. The marks of dishonest and disingenuous communication...mostly because I dont understand it and it usually blows up on me. So what better thing for someone like me to do than get married. Now I consider myself balanced, or at least I try, and yet I have found the level of fragility between a man and a woman quite frightening. You really do move into a glass house on your wedding day and you come to realize you've been throwing stones alot over the years. It isnt my marriage, its just marriage. People are fragile and cruel. Throwing stones in glass houses and getting caught in the ensuing shrapnel.

With no amount of pride, I consider myself to be intelligent-that is to say I consider myself having the faculties to over come the challenges I decide to face. I am also tenacious. That is where the list of my gifting really end. Now this is not meant to be self-depreciating. I have had a great deal of success in my life and have over come a great deal with intelligence and a tenacious spirit. I dont have skill with my hands. I am not particularly athletic nor am I a gifted socialite. I have a good memory, a critical mind and I understand patterns. I have failed at alot of things. Too many things to list, but my proudest failure was the time I tried to become a spy.

If you will indulge me I will tell you one of my favorite stories. I have never been shy about trying things and one day I decided to apply for the Canadian Securities and Intelligence Services (CSIS)-the Canadian secret service. I applied for this and time past and I was standing in the office of one of my dear friends named Krista. Now at the time I had just gotten my first cell phone and it rang. I looked down at the call display and it said, "number withheld." I was deeply confused as I had never seen that before. I answered the phone and the lady on the other end introduced herself as being from CSIS and wanted to arrange a phone interview. She asked me if I could arrange a "secure line." I enlisted the help of my aunt who was the only person I knew who had a lan line. I went to her home and got the call. The person on the phone asked me what I felt my qualifications for the job were, I asked for some information about the job and was informed they couldn't tell me. As you can imagine, the interview did not go well. A few weeks later I received a non-descript letter with my name and address typed from what I could see to be a type writer. I opened the letter and received a very formal and official government letter telling me I didn't get the job.

Now all this to say, I take a certain amount of pride at being the guy who keeps at it. I married a woman, a flawed woman (of course she married a flawed man), but a woman equally tenacious. We dont have a perfect marriage, but we have a marriage better than the one we started. I am grateful for being married to someone willing to equally participate. WE dont understand each other. We miss each other...often, but we keep trying. As I look on nine years of marriage, ten years together, I am continually more grateful for her. When I see marriages fail, I often see people who started marriages only partly committed. We idealize and dream and when stone throwing husbands and wives come into our house we are tempted to run away. Thanks for not running from me Doris and I am glad I haven't run from you either.