Bumshine

 One of the greatest things about little kids is their sense of humour. You can literally add the word bum to something simple and its comedy gold. Such is one of my terms of endearment to my youngest son. I say to him, "you are my bumshine." This is something that makes him laugh because it lives right on the edge of humour and the softness of calling him my sunshine. He loves it because it is a space where he can be loved and also be genuine. 

 

My wife and I were driving with our two youngest in the car. Somehow to topic came up about travel. My daughter exclaimed that she would live near us when she grew up. My son also affirmed that he would choose this as well. My wife and I agreed that, while they were free to choose their own fate, we would value them and try and be worthy of that commitment and that we would always give them lots of demonstrative love.

 

This got me thinking of the Bible passage, "when I was a child I thought like a child, I acted like a child, I reasoned like a child, but when I became a man, I put childish ways behind me." This is often used as an admonition for people to leave behind the parts of themselves that are not how they want to act. This is not a bad thing. It is valuable to put a line behind you and separate yourself from your bad decisions and to feel renewed as being no longer a child, but rather being a man. I feel that as a parent this is also essential to bare out that transition in how you treat them. As time goes by you must choose to limit the heavy handedness of parenting a child to the more supportive role of parenting an adult. Even as I think about that, the thought crossed my mind, shouldn't there still be a place for me to call my son "bumshine." What I mean is, should I still not leave a space where he can feel vulnerable as well as secure in the knowledge that he can be himself and laugh at silly jokes. Must it not always be the job of a parent to provide a space for hugs and silly nicknames as well as any piece of sincere tenderness that might flow from you throughout your life with them. Wouldn’t it be nice if we all had a place where we could feel safe to be held as well as teased. There is nothing about adulthood that should remove that. While you don’t really think about wrestling or tickling a grown man, if it is an organic and safe expression within your relationship, why wouldn’t you? 

 

While I aim to change how I treat my children, keeping my unsolicited advice to a minimum, I wish both for my own heart and for theirs that I always have a space for being silly together and for them to feel the affection that comes from an unpretentious parent that knows you never really grow out of that space where you want your dad to love you. 

What do you want?

 What do you want? 

Its a simple question and yet has far reaching consequences. Prior to having children one of the jobs I had was as an educational assistant in a program where kids would go before they would be kicked out of school. We dealt with street-kids who were habitually challenging in various ways. One piece of advice that the teacher who ran the program told me was that if a street-kid didnt feel like you were sufficiently invested in them than they would reject your attempts to put limits one them. 

I carried that belief into parenting. I continue to hold to that believe but, I have recently come to a simpler idea. Asking the question of my children, "what do you want?" Do you want to be happy? Do you want to be successful? Do you want a sandwich? This is, in some ways, a difficult question to answer. In a world where we are fed a million ideas/products, understanding what you want in a fundamental way can be challenging. For example, I sell cell phones and they are sometimes considered a status item. You can have kids who make a small amount of money work considerable amounts of time to pay for their cell phone. Do they really need that Iphone? Obviously not, but what they really need is something more fundamental to their life. There are often issues of personal value and worth at play and some people look at status items and think they will meet those needs. He thinks he wants an iphone, but he really wants respect. 

On a basic level I am trying to help my kids get what they want, even if they dont know it on a conscious level. They arent totally aware that they want people to like them, so I make a point of helping them deal with problems in a constructive way and to be mindful when they act selfishly. My boys will want families, so I teach them to not physically hurt others. I want my daughter to not be a victim, so I challenge her to be the master of her own life and not point the finger. My son wanted a PS5 so I put tasks in front of him so he could earn it. I bribe them to read the Bible so they can have faith be a closer part of who they are. I take them places so they can have a unique story and know that they are just like most people . . . but not quite at the same time. 

I have a friend who is expecting his first child. He remarked to me that he was concerned that his child would reject him when she got older. I told him that you never really reject a loving, supportive, encouraging parent that listens. You reject a domineering, controlling old person who doesn't know when to stop talking and let their opinions rest. I sincerely believe that if I position myself as a person who is actively trying to get my children what they want they will never reject me. I obviously understand that anything is possible, but I am conscious of the fact that if you are an integral part of a persons basic human drive (ie getting the thing you want), than any rational person will look at this person and keep them around. What that means to me....simple....I get to hang out with them. I get to keep kissing them. I get to keep telling them I love them. I want to stay in my children's life and I know in my heart that, as they get older, I will need to serve a purpose. If I help them get what they want, I mean what they really want, I know that they will always have a place for me. In my heart, thats all I really want. I want a place in the life of my children. I cant think of three people that give more to me and I think loving them as hard as I can also teaches them to love as hard as they can. Maybe I'm wrong, but I dont think I am. Maybe I am considering my relationship too transactional, but I know that if they let me stay with them it will make me happier. I know that I am protecting them from monsters and the hope is, when they and I get old enough, they will protect me from mine. I am not unaware of the direction the current carries me and I wish for nothing more than to sail it on the same ship as the three brilliant children God has given me.

Did I dream this

 I am sitting here, having travelled more than 24 hours, and I am not going to bed. The rest of my house has long since. Why you might ask? I am indeed tired. I came back from my adventure.

Let me take you back more than 16 years ago. I was single then. I had liked plenty of girls and a few liked me back, but I was never very relaxed. I found myself sitting on the floor of the apartment of a girl I had been messaging for a while. We had gone to Grand Forks together and I had finally gotten the message that she was interested in me. Now what. Now? Now we sit here and talk about what we want in the most intense way possible. Maybe too intense for a 19 year old, but she had some perspective and my words resonated with her. I told her I loved how she felt about languages, I loved her desire for travelling and I told her that I wanted to travel with her and bring kids with us. 

Today, I have fulfilled my vow. I have taken my children to one side of the ocean and over another. Our first big trip they spent no less than 40 hours driving in a car. This time they spent a significant amount of time in planes, trains and automobiles. They have seen different cultures and been exposed to different things. The fruit of this will take time to bloom I believe, but I believe the seeds here-in are planted. I have fulfilled my vow to this girl and I feel so terribly proud. I am not the wealthiest or the most well-connected, but I used what I had and did what I could and I am so grateful to have had the ability to give my kids something that will linger them for a lifetime. 

I am also grateful that my kids suffered through this incredibly well. All things considered I couldnt have asked for better travelling companions. I wont say there wasnt a word of complaining, cos thats not true, but overall they did better than lots of adults would in this situation. I am going to bed now. If you follow me on the social media, I will post pictures soon.

Leaving on a Jet Plane

That John Denver song never gets old, mostly when I'm actually leaving on a literal jet. 

The Vogt family is beginning its adventure eastward. We are going to the ancient Germanic country of Germany. I never really thought this would be the place I would ever take a vacation to as it really never had a particular appeal. That was the case until I realised my wife had relatives there who would be willing to host us. She and I decided that on such an adventure we would like our children to come along. Two years ago we went westward to Oregon. Another amazing summer adventure. We saw whales and touched the ocean. We hope this little blip in time will be equally as memorable. 

We are leaving on Sunday April 28 and will be gone for two weeks. Its strange how much planning goes into a little blip in time. I am conscious that this will be moment in time that will be with me and my children forever. When Doris and I began dating, one thing we shared was a love for adventure. While our lives have not been traditionally adventurous, we never lacked that aspiration. We are deeply privileged to expose our kids to a different culture and to enable them to see that the whole world is not southern Manitoba.

The last time I was in Europe I was at the Frankfurt airport, the airport we are using in Germany. I was coming back from Russia and I had been booked with an 8 hour delay. The Frankfurt airport is the 3rd biggest airport in the world, one can easily get lost. Not wanting to leave an experience unused, I did get so lost. I found myself in a terminal that was closed and I was walking around in the dark. The only light was the shopping area below and the blessed golden arches just out of reach of my hungry hands. I could only watch as other people ate while I wandered around an empty terminal. I did eventually find my way out and did find some food. 

Prior to going on this little adventure, I read some magazine where someone was drugged at an airport and had their kidney stolen. I was clearly not thinking clearly as it is very difficult to drug a person who is just sitting in a public place quietly. None the less, I resisted the urge to sleep in self-defence of the Frankfurt air going public that I thought would make off with my favourite kidney. That leg of my trip was exhausting.   

Now, almost 20 years later. I return to the airport that almost took my kidney and trapped me in its clutches. I am coming back a middle-aged man. Equipped now with a sense of self-sufficiency and technology that helps me out of dark terminals that hide me from food and four extra minds that will say, "dont talk to that woman Papa, she just wants your kidneys." This I vow that once again, upon my return to the Frankfurt airport, I will once again be victorious and not lose a kidney there and will find my way around with the aid of the most valuable asset I have, my German speaking wife. 

I will endeavour to update where and when I can. If you pray, please pray for me and my family for our safety and for wisdom for us to make wise decisions as parents. These types of trips are exceedingly challenging to plan for 5 people and we really are daunted by the weight of it all. 

The pot hole human being

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres" -1 Corinthian 13

As a person who considers myself somewhere on the spectrum of neural divergence, I have considered myself a student of human beings. People have a curious ability to convince them self that they hold or believe an idea they don't practice. Have you ever been told to "ignore someone." I have never been able to do that. I cant simply just pretend a person didn't say a certain thing or treat me a certain way. The consequences of human inter-personal relationship are real and I have never seen anything to make me believe the consequences can simply be "ignored." 

The reality of what people are saying is actually a little bit different in its practice. A meaningful parallel is the blessed pot-hole. During the particular winter we have experienced, temperatures have swung wildly and left our roads quite treacherous. My belief is that the choice to "ignore" a persons actions, it actually extends to the person as a whole. If you find someone unpleasant, you're not going to put your energy into them. They are to you like a pot-hole. Something that when you come across them you become careful and you really want to avoid them completely. We demonise conflict. We turn people into liabilities rather than people. 

There is a loneliness problem in this world. There are 2 types of friends: situational and actual friends. Situational friends are friends that you share a common interest or circumstance. Real friends are friends who you mutually pursue simply because you enjoy each other and you desire to share life. I understand how this framing might look, but it isn't a reflection of value. Some of my best relationships I have had were situational. Beautiful, sweet wonderful people I hold in my heart I have encountered in common situations. I admit that, whether I want it or not, most friends will be situational. The difference between them is a level of commitment and, unfortunately, depth. Everyone wants secure relationships. Where the commitment is evident. The person who will come help you move. They will babysit your kids. They will lend you their car. The got you. 

I have a confession for you. I am a pot-hole. Specifically in the church I am currently attending. I am a person who has behaved in a way that people have "ignored," either because they didn't think I would be receptive to correction or (more likely) they just didn't want to bother with me. So I get tolerated or completely ignored. By extension, my family also is to a degree ignored. I am surrounded by people who are way too polite to tell me what problems they had with me and, out of a spirit of selfishness masquerading as politeness, they choose to abandon me. I am not suggesting that I have no accountability in my own life, quite the opposite. I actively seek to be accountable and make my presence a greater joy. I am denied this for the sake of "politeness." People, in the world more broadly, tell themselves similarly comfortable lies where they dismiss someones issue because they think that makes them a better person. The reality is less sophisticated. It is easier to leave a person alone in their struggles then to get down in the dirt and help a struggling brother or sister. "After all, I dont owe them anything," they think.  

The other part of the issue is the sense that people feel they are entitled to quit relationships as soon as they dont get certain things. A sense of "owing" is usually the idea that is cited. Cliches like "to thine own-self be true" are quoted. The only singular priority is the "self." Yet, that is also a very lonely proposition. I remember when I was a kid seeing extended family hide from their elderly parents because they didnt "enjoy them." They currently suffer a similar fate and I am quite sure the parallels are lost on them. I know another man who refused to see his elderly mother on her deathbed because he didnt want to remember her in that state. He neglected his mother in her final moments because it didnt suit him. When all our loyalty is based on utility what happens when we stop offering it. 

Welcome to our world. As long as you are mentally healthy, happy, well-supplied and fully capable we definitely have something for you and if not then that chair in the corner will suit you fine. 

I confess I am not free of responsibility. I, no doubt, have a list of sins of people I have neglected. Make no mistake, relationships should not be abandoned lightly. My struggle is finding other people for whom the desire to reach back exists. A friend with whom I can experience conflict, stale conversations, anger, criticism and negativity. These are the parts of the human experience we forget. We prefer to focus on the fruits of the spirit in the Bible joy, peace patients, goodness and self-control. We forget about the description of love in Corinthians. Love always protects, always trust, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. As an exercise, replace love with your name and then repeat the verse at the beginning. Tyler always protects, always trust, always hopes, always perseveres. Tyler never fails. Nope. Doesnt sound like me. How'd you do. Lets make a deal. Lets both agree to do better. 

  

The Sound of Silence

“Loneliness is the poverty of the soul.” ‒ Jean-Paul Sartre

When I was a boy I would often sit and listen to adult conversations, observing mannerisms and behaviours. I have tried to understand the rules people have to keep strangers out and make friends of others. Imagine my surprise when I get to 2024 and discover an extremely short list of people I count as friends. This has led me to observe a crucial aspect of human relations as well as a lesson for parenting. 

I started going to church properly when I was 17. My father had died the previous year and I had clung to a group of Christian girls. Young women have a willingness for intimate friendship that is striking to think about on reflection. I have always been interested in understanding feelings as well as human interactions and my theory is that we probably shared those interests. These girls drew me into a church that gave me a sense of belonging and provided me a slew of kind and generous friendships, both men and women. These friendships were filled with an honesty and sincerity and a shared sense of purpose that was deeply fulfilling at that point in life. These relationships drew me out of a private hell I was in after my Dad died and drew me to faith in a compassionate judge who would bring all things in universe together and a people seeking to share a message of compassion and mercy. I now poured myself out, as an offering, and devoted myself through participating in the church. This was a deeply fulfilling time in my life. 

Through the progress of time and learning I found myself more acutely in need of someone to love. The lessons of friendship as well as my upbringing were poor teachers. I hadn't really understood the tides of a woman's heart and was ineffective in mastering them. I kept thinking that my friendships would somehow magically change into passionate love affairs. This did not pan out. As I walked out of my education and into the work force, the group of people I looked for support changed. I had a best friend who led me into his group of friends. Within this group of friends was a woman who ached to find a man who would wear his heart on his sleeve and adore her with all the passion in his heart. I wrote to her a quote from Hamlet in response to her doubt of my intentions, "doubt the stars are fire, doubt truth to be a liar, but never doubt I love." We married on February 28,2009 because that was the soonest possible date I could convince her to get married. 

As most other couples, the task of learning how to service each other was a delicate and difficult task that was daunting. Its easy to look back at those tough times and with hindsight say "of course we'd make it through." Yet, in those moments such certainty was lacking. Through great difficulty we became two sides of the same coin. Ours is a lesson of fitting together and it is one of the greatest such successes of my life. Out of this I was given children. I learned a lesson during my time of an educational assistant. The lesson was regarding difficult children and it was that if they do not feel sufficiently care for they will not care about you. I took this lesson to heart in my parenting and attempted to treat my children as an investment firm. I cared for them as one might tend a garden, caring and pruning as I went. This was a task that I found consuming when they were young. 

During the process of raising my children and raising my marriage I learned the additional mechanics of life. As "he" became "they" and "I" became "we," I began to learn the dynamics of marriage and socialisation. My wife began to attend my church and we continued attempting to be a part of it. Having a principal difference as well as feeling that the culture of the church had shifted, we came to the conclusion that a change was required. We had some friends who had a church group we had begun attending. We had casually been attending that church and had enjoyed it. When my oldest son was born we had determined we would join that church permanently. 

We had begun going to this church, but the church group had been the real source for our spiritual life. We felt very close to the people there and enjoyed our experience. After a number of years it came to pass that this group "took a break." It was later reformed and the leaders made a special point to exclude certain people, my wife and I namely. I found the whole thing somewhat juvenile and attempted to join a different one. I was under the impression that the reforming of this group had been casual and decided not to take it personally. We attempted to join other groups and were told that the leaders of this group spelt it out quite clearly they wanted nothing to do with us. This one hurt and left me and my family wounded and it has never, despite my attempts, found a resolution. 

Now, having grown my children to a point where doting attention is no longer necessary, I find myself with no friends. I do have relationships with individuals who I value, but a list of who I would call to "help me move" is short. In my reflections on loneliness I have also concluded some observations on parenting. I have a friend who had a struggle growing up where she never felt like she was taken seriously. Her thoughts, her feelings and her perspectives were not given weight. When she raised her objections she was gas-lighted (made to feel like she was the real problem). Her experience is certainly not unique. I often thought this was a reflection of parents not allowing their children to change into relationships with adults, but I think its something different. There is the concept of loving "the idea of someone" that I think is at play. What that means is loving someone based on the image a person has rather than their specific qualities. This is a very easy thing for parents to do because infancy is simple and so primal and it imprints in the parents almost as much as it imprints on the kids. As we got older, the complexity of relationships provide a much more difficult path. As we grow, the complexity of people becomes exponential. How many parents make it a priority to understand their children-even as adults. Do we recognise the image we have of our family belies a significantly more complex thing underneath. Is it possible the isolation we feel culturally resulted from a generation of parents concerned for the well-being of children, but with no regard for the person hiding beneath their image. People in this world are content with the image and they feel they have no obligation. Many people who I valued consider that they have no obligation to me. I am uncertain whether this is my problem or theirs, but the solutions to the loneliness and pain that I feel elude me. 

My personal challenge is to find space to listen to others and remembering that I am obligated to be the person that I wish. I am obligated to my wife and to my children most of all. I just wish I felt a little bit of that coming back in my general direction.