The ego and hypocrisy of purpose

I knew a man, who when he spoke I heard ego. Later, as I thought of it and I realized- you need ego to have purpose. Fundamentally, your contribution to the world stops when you think you have nothing to contribute to it. A sense of self-importance is necessary to engage in any task. You need to believe your strong enough to lift the box or smart enough to fix the technology. 

Age has a profoundly tempering effect. As time goes by we are constantly exposed to the most vile aspects of the human condition. That friend we went to you with cheated on his wife. The guy from high school is a hard core drug dealer. The guy you played baseball was arrested and in jail for assault. Youthful idealism is easily replaced by a cynical view. We look at the world and ourselves and we see glaring faults. So why were we different in our 20’s. We weren’t better. So how did we life open to a world of possibility? All those faults existed just as much if not worse. 

For me the link between seeing the ugliness of the world and living a life of significance-spirituality. For me, this is through the teaching of Christ. My understanding of spirituality is that purpose extends beyond human limitations and exists outside my reach. Spirituality looks for something greater. The arrogance of purpose comes, not in self-confidence, but in participation in the greater things. When we can live and act as extension of a common humanity and to wrought a purpose that is super natural, only then can we be brazen to think that we can help. 

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. - Galatians 2:20

Through faith and the act of the cross I engage with a broken world as an extension of his work. I am brazen because I know greater glory will come from Gods purposes of someone so deeply and profoundly flawed. 

A hard childhood

My kids don’t have it rough. They have a mother and a father who are emotionally self-aware. They are given emotional support through all their difficulties. It safe to say, my kids won’t have a rough go, if the trend continues.

Contrast that with kids I have worked with as an assistant. Homeless, orphaned, abused, neglected are all words that fit. These kids have an edge, a hardness that is shaped by the difficulties they have handled.

What do you do as a parent when your kids are marshmallows. Do you burn them? Do you wait for life to burn them? I think every parent has an image in their mind of what parenting should look like to them. You come to your circumstances with alien expectations, that is expectations that are born out of experience that have nothing to do with your kids as people or the circumstances you are raising them in. It’s funny how often that is the case in life. We approach our life’s challenges like a baseball player walking into a hockey arena. Wrong equipment, wrong rules, wrong teams, wrong locations.

Another aspect of this is that we use our alien expectations to look into the future. With a dose of pessimism, we perceive the war zone that our current situation will bring to us. We see the disconnect between our expectations and reality as a symptom of a greater problem. “Surely, if I were doing this right I could have avoided this hassle. If things continue everything I love will disappear,” we think. This is extreme, but it is meant to illustrate the spectrum of negative emotions. Emotions are the looking glass that we see the world through. If we are sad, all we will see is sadness. If we are hopefully, we will see hope.

I believe in offering conclusions. Expectations vs reality vs the future. My only conclusion is that hope will sustain me and despair will drain me. Despair is easier cos you’re giving up. Finally, my marshmallow children. The kids are still very young. Life provides plenty of wounds and effects to make a person more savvy to life. Perhaps my kids just get to be kids longer than others; that’s not so bad. The challenge for me is to not let them off the hook. I need to challenge them. I need to oppose them. I need to cause them discomfort. They won’t grow otherwise. These are more difficult traits. It’s much easier and more fun to be the buddy. I guess we’ll see whether life leaves them at the campfire or in a bag with the other marshmallows.

Even handed

Preamble- I am going to try to write more organically. What that means is faster, when the thoughts come and less proof reading. This is not a professional blog and I think I will enjoy it more if I can put ideas out quicker. Thanks for having patients.

If you know me and have been following this blog you will know that I lost my father when I was younger. He died when I was 16. My mother is alive and well and has been an active piece Of my life. I was sitting and thinking about this and I realized I had been unfair to her.

Having kids has been for me an exercise in reflection. As I love and care for my kids, I am reminded how I was loved. I had a great childhood. Even with losing my father, I had access to a variety of experiences and opportunities. Yet, I am by my nature inclined to sadness and I often look back on my past and lament. My recent realization that my Dad, a fine and honourable man, had his failings as a parent. That being said, when I remember the past all I see are warm memories and moments. I realized that they are the results of looking at my father through the eyes of a 16 year old boy. The truth of it was that I had 16 years and a kid that age still really looks with admiration on his dad. My mother didn’t die. She lived. Our relationship isn’t idealized. It’s real. I know her and am full conscious of the person she is (and conversely the type of person I am via her). Real relationships are difficult. People disappoint you. They frustrate you. They hurt you. All these things have gone on between her and I. The thing is, I believed and still believe, worth while connections are built with time and a mutual desire to continue. One of my favourite relationships in life has been with my mother, yet when things got dark I would sometimes look through the eyes of a 16 year old boy and miss the counterpart to mom. This was unfair to her.

I have no conflict with my dad. No pain. No hurt. He’s dead. Struggle is a sign of life. It shows that you are living and the people around you are as well. This was a good lesson and one that I often forget and have to relearn. I’m not dead. Neither are you. Let’s work it out and keep trying. The reward comes from the commitment you show to the task.