I have had difficulty in my life with notions of male sexuality. Essentially being told by society that my male sexuality is something to be constrained. I have observed the same thing about female sexuality. Alternatively, I have also encountered very liberal views that involve no constraint and an attitude where a person can simply engage with the experience and the encounters as they choose.
Like most things, I believe the truth is somewhere in between. Part of the point of this blog is that I want my kids to know what I was trying to do in their childhood.
Firstly, my view on what sex is (ideally)- it is the deepest form of physical intimacy you can have with another human being. Growing up within a Evangelical Christian motif I was essentially told that sexual intimacy in particular was to be avoided apart from marriage. Like most young men, it was definitely something I wanted (marriage or not) so that presented a problem. This had the added effect of making me avoid intimacy as a whole. Not very productive in terms of building meaningful connections. I conflated physical intimacy and commitment.
No one said anything about emotional intimacy though. This lead me into a circumstance where I ended up being the emotional play thing of several women. I acted as surrogate boyfriend. Providing all the services of an actual boyfriend (minus the physical intimacy). This was difficult for me because it often made me question these relationships as to what they meant, only to realize I had missed something.
"Guard you heart for it is the well spring of life." Proverbs 4:23. This was a verse that was thrown around when I was younger. What is the purpose of a well-spring and who are you guarding it from? People like the idea of good guys and bad guys. I always felt like my sexuality made me the person women had to guard their heart from.
As I got older, I made several attempts to court the affection of some and was let down a number of times. I wanted to be something...a boyfriend, a husband......Something??? I found someone who wanted me to be her something........turns out that something was her x. Then I met my current wife and she seemed to want to be my something as much as I wanted to be hers.
To be clear, I dont look at the relationships prior to my wife and think negatively about them. They made me who I am and I count myself blessed to have loved those women. They each have a special place in my heart. The relationships I had prior to marriage didnt include sex, but the connections I built also shaped who I am. I made sincere attempts to build a future for myself and I made mistakes, but loving people wasn't my mistake.
The mistake is one with which I still contend. I tried to be someones hero and I lost myself in the process. The circumstances involved a failure of character on my part, but failure can also have beauty.
Sex is positive and it is wonderful, but it is such a small part that to focus on it alone almost misses the point of human connection in a broader scope. We connect with so many people, on so many different ways and at different times and that creates a tapestry. We love and are loved. Yes of course sex should be guarded, but I believe so should all emotions. The depth of human connection is powerful and like most powerful things it needs education and respect.
I didnt understand this growing up. So, what I am trying to do for my kids is to teach them how to reach out and connect with others. Teaching them to build connections. To say what they feel. To be emotional, but still realize that the world doesn't stop just because they feel a certain way. My hope is that (eventually) when they are presented with sex, it can be understood as part of a bigger picture.and as they grow up they can understand that it is one of the ways human beings can express intimacy and closeness with someone else. Parenting is an imperfect art, but I deeply hope for them to walk in a brighter light as they reflect on who they are as people and understanding how their sexuality fits in as part of that.
