Measure of a Man

I came home from a long day of work and came home to a war zone. Toys scattered everywhere like shrapnel and my wife sitting in the midst of things like the brave & battle weary general. She informed me that, amongst the normal struggles, my eldest son had refused his duty. He had to empty out the dishwasher.

One of my favourite professors, when he talked to his students about writing about the future, encouraged them to determine what vision of the future they find least desirable. Perhaps I am morose, but this is a perspective that appeals to me. I have never been naive about the difficulties of life nor the need to strive, but understanding life through the lens of trials seems sensible to me. He goes on to say in his lecture that by exposing ourselves to difficult circumstances we exhibit new physiological features and literally become a new person.

So, as I sat across from him and went into dad-mode. I informed him, that he had a duty and that he was neglecting it. We all have a role to play and that he will have a role to play in the world and it was our job as parents to prepare him for that role. In the spirit of preparation, if I needed to get creative to make things difficult for him than I would-and I am a cane be VERY creative. The truth is that if I neglect my duties to my family, my job or myself I face very serious challenges. At this, he looked sullen and stomped out of the room and into the kitchen to do his duty.

I heard him wail. I went into the kitchen and he was crying while doing his job. I asked him why he was crying. He said because he didn't want to empty the dishwasher. I told him that there are good reasons to cry, but crying because you have work to do is not a good reason. I told him that the sooner he finished his job, the sooner he would be done it. At this point I left the kitchen to change from my work clothes.

When I came back, he had changed. He was quite comfortable in doing his work and was again his good natured self. As he finished up, I took him aside and I told him that I was proud of him for overcoming his feelings and doing his job. I told him that becoming a man is doing a series of uncomfortable things in the service of other people. He asked me what it was in becoming a woman. My answer was, "I don't know what it takes to become a woman, but I know what it takes to become a man."

My dear Azariah. I have attempted to teach him to be a leader. I have attempted to teach him responsibility and honour. I have lived with a strong sense of ethic throughout my entire life. My family, my extended family, the church, my schools- they all taught me the value of careful and thoughtful living. These are not sexy lessons but they are the strong tides that generally guide me.

I want my sons to be superheros, but superheros usually go through hell first. Procedures, bombs, & death all create heros. Sometimes all we need is the crucible of our emotions. Honourable, hard working people build stuff. They may not be remembered or celebrated, but they are the foundation on which future generations lay. I am deeply proud of these moments where my son can show his character by overcoming his own struggles and make the right decision.

As an aside, I will mention about my daughter. She is different than \her brothers. A different spirit. I will never deny any part of the experiences of my life and will open up as many doors as I can, but as I told my son-I don't know the journey of a woman. The reality is, I have tools for my sons and my daughter is an exercise in improvisation.

The immortal father

So, I am blogging again. If I'm completely honest, it stems from the fact that my favourite game is down because of a technical glitch.  So again, as per usual I beg your pardon for my time between my last writing. I have not forget about you and want very much for you to share the little glimpses into my family. Thank you for reading this and I hope that you can see into the world my wife and I have created for our children. Now, on to my stories.

I grew up imagining myself progressive, a feminist even. Yet I realized that my function to my family is a traditional male role and I have embraced it and what it means. My primary function is to provide for my family and my wife's role is to maintain our house. I certainly care for our house and she very much provides for our family, but our primary roles are quite fixed. It has been my realization that, though this is functionally necessary, allowing my primary role to define me comes with a cost. The idea being that women find their definition in the home and men find their definition in their job. When the job disappears (ex. retirement), many men seem to wither away, while women go on providing a role for a long time.

So, about my job. I work at a cell phone store & have done so about 10 years. This was not my vocational goal. I have 5 years of post secondary school and had great ambitions in that regard. I wanted to work in a world where people sought my opinion about deep profound ideas, but instead I help old people download facebook on their iphone. This is hyperbole of course, but people can sometimes make you feel like your as disposable as a water damaged cell phone. You can be as devoted, loyal and consistent and people can still shrug it off at their convenience. I am a sales person and not a professor. I don't imagine I will ever be a professor. Now what. Where do I go from here. I can change my situation. I can find a different job. I live 3 blocks from my work and about 2 blocks from my kids school. I earn more money than most professors. I may not be making the kind of impact I thought I would, but I certainly am compensated for the impact I do make. Yet what shall I say? Shall I put my great ambition on hold? Yes! Absolutely. At least for now. The reason for that are 7, 4 & 2. They are my opus. I pour into them. I play with them. I teach them. I correct them. I rebuke them. I treasure them. I do this like I do nothing else in my life. My wife and I are raising children that will understand respect. That will know how to express themselves. Thoughtful, capable & intelligent. Loving to all. Compassionate and capable of handling themselves with dignity. Of these qualities, wouldn't you want them in a friend? Wouldn't you want them in an employee, a teacher, a lover, a neighbour? What good can I do in this world that could possibly compare to the ripple effect that three well raised and well loved people can provide it. If I sell phones until my body expires, I would do it sincerely if it meant the bettering of my children. 

Fortunately for me my job doesn't really matter that much in the big picture, but my fathering does. My struggle in this world is the lesson to my children that what really matters is the legacy of love and faith that I leave in them. Here is my conclusion on the matter- fathering well will extend my life and provide a beautiful legacy that my kids can carry with them.

So, other stories.

I was deeply grateful for having the opportunity to give someone a ride home. I had taken my kids shopping. As we were leaving, a man I was loosely acquainted with approached me. He explained his car battery was frozen and requested a ride home. He was 70 years old and it was minus 50. I obliged him. I took him with my sons to his house across town. As I got back into my car after helping him with his groceries, I explained to my sons that this was an example of caring for others like Jesus from us. My oldest understood and was excited for what we had done. Compassion is an important quality and I want my kids to understand it. I believe that the world is better if we have at least a slight concern for the well-being of others. My parents impacted me with their acts of compassion and I was grateful that I have opportunities to pass the lessons down. I want to raise agents of mercy because the world so desperately needs mercy.

My oldest is 7. He is getting some of these lessons. He is learning that he is accountable for his actions. He is learning we treat people based on our beliefs, not our feelings in the moment. It is really exciting because I am able to encourage him to be social, to be compassionate and to deal with his feelings. I hope these tools can allow him to skip through some of the struggles I went through in my life.

Lastly, we had a family gathering of my moms family. I used to dread these events, but as time has gone by and I have become more comfortable in my own skin I have changed my opinion. I had an interesting conversation with my uncle Ron. My Uncle Ron is a small framed and unassuming figure. He spent a number of years working for CBC in Winnipeg and has since retired and invests his time in various endeavours. It struck me as we talked at this gathering how much we had in common. He is a well-thought, well-educated man who conducts himself with dignity. He worked for many years and invested himself in his wife and kids. His kids are educated, stable and are building families. He loves Jesus and in the past when I was raising money for missions, he would appear with a sizable contribution. He shares my appreciation for tech, which is always fun. He is a little adhd, which I realized as he turned on and watched football highlights in the middle of our conversation. He expands his knowledge whenever he can. Uncle Ron- if your reading this- my Dad and Grandpa were the two men I admired most in this world. When they died I was crushed. I am deeply grateful to know that there is another person in my family I can value the example of. Thank you.