Winter Wonder land

Its December 23, 2 days till Christmas. Not really a big thing the older I get. Not really a big thing for my son yet so I am not really getting wound up about things. I had a funny thought today, I imagined if God had put the garden of Eden in southern manitoba in december, what would that have gone like. God showing up to find adam and eve wearing clothes and then him asking who told them they were naked and a legthey story about how the human body freezing would ensue. At the moment Doris is in bed with Azariah continuing the wonderful Christmas tradition of being sick at Christmas. Azariah likely has an ear infection. I am confident in his immune system (I helped build it after all), it just sucks getting there. He had his first Christmas concert at church recently. He was a cow. He did a bang up job. Made the old man proud. Every day he seems to evolve a little more. I may have mentioned this, but his admiration scares me. Not that i dont enjoy it, but its the simple fact that i feel like I will either fail it or meet it and die. Odd thoughts I know, but then I have always been odd. I had a neat idea about what I would do for Azariah. I would like to write letters to him about different subjects or struggles he may face and seal them in an envelope. When he wants it he can take it and he can take my advice when he's ready for it. A little aspergurs humour for you. My mother began to tell me a story about a 90 year old man who broke his neck and I exclaimed,"is he dead?" Logical for me, but apparently the wrong thing to say socially. Oh well, cant say I call myself socially handicapped without good reason. Doris and Hildy (My mother in law), and azariah are going to minneapolis for a few days. I am excited for them and looking forward to some quiet time. I have started going back to the gym. Its quite nice to be a little more physically active. Not a lot mind you, just a little. I take a little more protein and I feel a lot better because of it. I realize that my body requires a great deal more work to be proficent, more work than I care to put in because I have been "healthy" and found the benefits lacking in some respect. Ultimately I want to be active so I can feel good about myself and I am working to find balance I suppose I will end with that. Balance is a difficult idea to understand. Everything needs it: relationships, finances, mixtures. I have seen in 2 situations that I can think of where people could not find balance with some mental illness and it faced tremendous consiquences. Evil pours out from the fallen earth in the form of: negativity, pessamism, critical natures, criticism, apathy and despair. I have learned that as a Christian I am to bring the balance. A wickedness exists in all of us and in all our communities. Evil is our natural state, but yet we are not doomed. Redemption affords us the ability to love our friends, family and co-workers (even when its hard). Redemption allows us to hope when all around us is a sad black mass. Redemption from this nature comes through a redeemer. I have always been struck by the lengths the redeemer went to find balance and to love and I wish for myself that I could love with such a good quality and make the world a better place until the Lord comes and changes everything again.

The top 3 pictures were done and edited by my good brother-in-law denley thiessen who as you can see is extremely talented and must be consulted if you want pictures taken by the best photographer I have come across. The rest were from his 2nd birthday. The car he is sitting in was his present from us to him and you will have better luck casting the mountains into the sea then to get that kid out of that car. My dear Thiessens, my beloved Vogt's- our family has sprung from you and your love and affection continues to nourish us. We are grateful for your friendship and love. To you dear reader, I thank you again for your time and faithfulness to read my ramblings and although its a horrible cliche, "I wish you a merry Christmas and the happiest of new years."

The road goes ever on and on

As always I must beg your forgiveness dear reader for these late entries. Life does seem to fill you with reasons not to linger in front of your computer telling the story of your family. A shame really, but I digress. So the road goes on. Azariah get bigger and more mature...I am getting older....doris is suspiciously the same age if you ask her around her birthday. We have had several little steps in our house that certainly look like progress. Azariah has left both soother and crib behind. Both of these things serve as a struggle for him and us, but we press on. He has taken to the lack of soother well enough, but going to sleep at night is still tricky. He is his mothers son and loves family and the intimacy with it and leaving him alone in a dark room is not his favorite activity. I spent a good part of the evening lying in his toddler bed (trying not to fall asleep myself) and waiting for him to nod off. A very moving experience to observe my son again in a state of tender innocence. Let me paint the picture for you. The bed is about 4.5 feet long. Azariah is about 2 feet long and about 25 lbs. He is wearing superman pj's (makes me proud every time I see them) and beside him with his legs folded up is his 6'3, 250lbs father trying to awkwardly put himself into a comfortable position. There is always something comical I find about being a tall person in a short world and this moment just made me chuckle. Another, somber event in my life past by this year. July 14. This is a date that is infamous in my family as a day that brings with it a dark cloud. This is the day my father died. He passed away 16 years ago on this day. What makes this a unique mark is that I was 16 years old when he passed, thus being the anniversary at which point I will now will have been fatherless longer than I was fathered. This is not to take away from men who have fathered me: my grandpa, david kehler, jim dyck, but no one can replace your dad. This moment caused me to reflect on what my relationship with my son and my family is. I found the further I move into fatherhood and the more I see my sons adoration of me in his eyes, the more discomfort I feel. Yes, discomfort in a very real sense because as I reflect on my child hood and the love between me and my father and seeing that love stolen and knowing the wound that caused me I fear causing that wound to my son. For no man escapes death. This truth does not haunt me, it is simply a reality of life that has been close to me these past 16 years. Yet causing me this burden it also gives me the superhuman ability to hold and love my son as the precious creature he is. No doubt we have this in common dear reader that in life we often have conflicting feelings. Love is mixed with frustration, anxiety and other negative emotions. The desire for family is also sometimes mingled with the desire to render everything we have and run away. As some of you may or may not know I am diagnosed with autistic tendencies and am under the care of a fine doctor who both helps me to cope with a world I don't understand and emotions that will often run me down. Now to him I shared these feelings and he encouraged me to explore fatherhood and all that it implies and to learn how to father. Surely parenting is not a science and surely being human requires help. A truth we often forget. My encouragement to you dear reader is to acknowledge the opposite emotions. Understand why you love your family, but also what it is about them that makes you upset, anxious what have you. Understanding your conflicting emotions can often make them less conflicting. There is far too little understanding of the conflicting emotions that are at work within us nor any understanding of what makes you both a hero to some and a villain to others. Villains and heroes, be at peace. I try and tell myself this daily with varying degrees of success, but tried no less. On a slightly less philosophical note, we have had a very delightful first half of the year. Sales at my job have been the best so far and I have won several sales contests, which have included a 60" tv, blu-ray surround sound and an ipad. There is a competition that will end on wendsday that it looks like I will likely win, which will include a macbook air. So, I am almost teched out...I just cant imagine what other toy I could possibly use. My wife blessed me with a leather lazy boy recliner, which every time I sit down reminds me that I am special to her and how much she loves me. Doris has had tremendous success with her daycare. Having more demand then space. She has learn much in terms of how to be successful at what she does and has created a very positive environment for the kids and parent she serves. She truly is a mother to many and brings joy to my heart to see my beloved function in her gifts. Our car and our house continue to serve us well. And with all these things together I have arrived at a point my life where I do not yearn, nor do I dream of what tomorrow will bring for today my house is warm, dry, comfortable and safe. My family is healthy. Our needs are well attended to and the majority of our wants are well attended to, better than I could hope for. In humility I live a life I could not have imagined. I am married to a wonderful, sweet, kind woman who loves me, respects me, and honours me as her husband, partner, and friend. My son shines like a diamond with a light that strangers cannot help but comment on as they see. When I see a dream, I reach for it and it is made real. I have seen darkness, pain, and want, but now do I live with those I love in the promised land. I remember my Christ and my God who brought me and that his love was real when I travelled before I arrived here and will sustain me when the sunsets and the world begins to chill me. I seek to honour my God. I seek to honour my mother and the memory of my father by being a Godly husband, father and friend. I seek to honour my ancestors by building a peaceful home and to teach of peace and respect and to contribute to a sustainable hope in a broken world. Thank you again for reading my blog. This is truly a peace of my heart and for hearing it I feel like if you have heard me and seen God work in my life then we are connected and I am not so alone because you read my words dear reader and neither are you tonight. Neither are you. Here are some little tid bits from the life Doris, Azariah and I live.

Like son, like father

*Forgive me dear reader. I have no pictures for you in this section* Azariah and Doris are gone for the weekend and the solitude that I currently get to enjoy is punctuated by a chance to reflect. Life has a curious ability to throw you curve balls and create a reality that is wildly different than your perceptions. I often wonder what makes me different. What makes me different than my Dad. My freinds. Other parents. Other husbands. Life is full of great opportunities for pessimism because the human nature is so quick to default to selfishness. This is a truth that is hard and fast. Yet, a pessimism (or "realism" as some might call it) doesnt help anyone. Hope will make more of you than despair. One can hide despair in academic robes or youthful indifference, but when despair is beneath you just cant hide it. So, in the knowledge of intrinsic human selfishness, what makes me different than those behind me and around me while keeping in mind the answer must not lead to despair because that is the grave.These tasks are made all the more difficult by a simple in ability to have the same kinds of feelings those around me do. To answer many of these questions I look at my son as an example that I follow. He boldly moves ahead in the world and rarely considers the consequences. He falls on his head alot...probably too much, but he doesn't seem to worry about it. He knows nothing about rejection, insecurity, being self-conscious. These struggles come later. But he approaches life boldly. He loves boldly and without reservation. He does not fear death. He does not fear loss. He loves. He hungers for love. He delights when he learns new secrets. I yearn to imitate this energy. To forget the lessons that I learned as a child that all men die, but rather to remember that today I live. I live today and, while I am not clear about the details of tomorrow, I know about today. I also remember yesterday. That I may forget the lessons of negativity, self-concern, pride. That I may in my mind pile up stones that I have taken during the exodus that God brought me out of and honour God with them. I will tell my son when he asks me what these stone mean that, "when terror came to us, God brought us through." Like the Israelites crossing the Jordan or The Red Sea or my Azariah walking we take our steps carefully. And when God has taken us through the river we give thanks and we make a monument to the praise of God. What makes me different than other people, not a heck of a lot, which is what will make God's triumph in my life, my marriage, my fatherhood, my job, my friendship and my finances so awesome. I give thanks to my God who has brought me out of countless difficulties. Who has brought me to a land flowing with milk and honey. For a bride who it is my honour to care for and a son that is a jewel in my crown. To the only true God, his son Jesus and the Holy Spirit be glory and power forever and ever amen. We live in Steinbach. In a lovely house. We live close to family and work. Doris has a ministry in the form of an in home daycare. My job provides me with abundant financial blessings and rewards that continually shock me. My son is happy and healthy. My marriage is fantastic. I love her more now than I did four years ago and every second I am with her is a fortune beyond compare. We have a wonderful church with caring people we are grateful for. In humility I post this to thank God for his unmitigated grace and mercy to me and my family. And I wish you hope dear reader, no more despair, but hope.