The road goes ever on and on

As always I must beg your forgiveness dear reader for these late entries. Life does seem to fill you with reasons not to linger in front of your computer telling the story of your family. A shame really, but I digress. So the road goes on. Azariah get bigger and more mature...I am getting older....doris is suspiciously the same age if you ask her around her birthday. We have had several little steps in our house that certainly look like progress. Azariah has left both soother and crib behind. Both of these things serve as a struggle for him and us, but we press on. He has taken to the lack of soother well enough, but going to sleep at night is still tricky. He is his mothers son and loves family and the intimacy with it and leaving him alone in a dark room is not his favorite activity. I spent a good part of the evening lying in his toddler bed (trying not to fall asleep myself) and waiting for him to nod off. A very moving experience to observe my son again in a state of tender innocence. Let me paint the picture for you. The bed is about 4.5 feet long. Azariah is about 2 feet long and about 25 lbs. He is wearing superman pj's (makes me proud every time I see them) and beside him with his legs folded up is his 6'3, 250lbs father trying to awkwardly put himself into a comfortable position. There is always something comical I find about being a tall person in a short world and this moment just made me chuckle. Another, somber event in my life past by this year. July 14. This is a date that is infamous in my family as a day that brings with it a dark cloud. This is the day my father died. He passed away 16 years ago on this day. What makes this a unique mark is that I was 16 years old when he passed, thus being the anniversary at which point I will now will have been fatherless longer than I was fathered. This is not to take away from men who have fathered me: my grandpa, david kehler, jim dyck, but no one can replace your dad. This moment caused me to reflect on what my relationship with my son and my family is. I found the further I move into fatherhood and the more I see my sons adoration of me in his eyes, the more discomfort I feel. Yes, discomfort in a very real sense because as I reflect on my child hood and the love between me and my father and seeing that love stolen and knowing the wound that caused me I fear causing that wound to my son. For no man escapes death. This truth does not haunt me, it is simply a reality of life that has been close to me these past 16 years. Yet causing me this burden it also gives me the superhuman ability to hold and love my son as the precious creature he is. No doubt we have this in common dear reader that in life we often have conflicting feelings. Love is mixed with frustration, anxiety and other negative emotions. The desire for family is also sometimes mingled with the desire to render everything we have and run away. As some of you may or may not know I am diagnosed with autistic tendencies and am under the care of a fine doctor who both helps me to cope with a world I don't understand and emotions that will often run me down. Now to him I shared these feelings and he encouraged me to explore fatherhood and all that it implies and to learn how to father. Surely parenting is not a science and surely being human requires help. A truth we often forget. My encouragement to you dear reader is to acknowledge the opposite emotions. Understand why you love your family, but also what it is about them that makes you upset, anxious what have you. Understanding your conflicting emotions can often make them less conflicting. There is far too little understanding of the conflicting emotions that are at work within us nor any understanding of what makes you both a hero to some and a villain to others. Villains and heroes, be at peace. I try and tell myself this daily with varying degrees of success, but tried no less. On a slightly less philosophical note, we have had a very delightful first half of the year. Sales at my job have been the best so far and I have won several sales contests, which have included a 60" tv, blu-ray surround sound and an ipad. There is a competition that will end on wendsday that it looks like I will likely win, which will include a macbook air. So, I am almost teched out...I just cant imagine what other toy I could possibly use. My wife blessed me with a leather lazy boy recliner, which every time I sit down reminds me that I am special to her and how much she loves me. Doris has had tremendous success with her daycare. Having more demand then space. She has learn much in terms of how to be successful at what she does and has created a very positive environment for the kids and parent she serves. She truly is a mother to many and brings joy to my heart to see my beloved function in her gifts. Our car and our house continue to serve us well. And with all these things together I have arrived at a point my life where I do not yearn, nor do I dream of what tomorrow will bring for today my house is warm, dry, comfortable and safe. My family is healthy. Our needs are well attended to and the majority of our wants are well attended to, better than I could hope for. In humility I live a life I could not have imagined. I am married to a wonderful, sweet, kind woman who loves me, respects me, and honours me as her husband, partner, and friend. My son shines like a diamond with a light that strangers cannot help but comment on as they see. When I see a dream, I reach for it and it is made real. I have seen darkness, pain, and want, but now do I live with those I love in the promised land. I remember my Christ and my God who brought me and that his love was real when I travelled before I arrived here and will sustain me when the sunsets and the world begins to chill me. I seek to honour my God. I seek to honour my mother and the memory of my father by being a Godly husband, father and friend. I seek to honour my ancestors by building a peaceful home and to teach of peace and respect and to contribute to a sustainable hope in a broken world. Thank you again for reading my blog. This is truly a peace of my heart and for hearing it I feel like if you have heard me and seen God work in my life then we are connected and I am not so alone because you read my words dear reader and neither are you tonight. Neither are you. Here are some little tid bits from the life Doris, Azariah and I live.