The Monster in my future

 "You'll learn. Just wait until.....then you'll learn."

I have spent my whole life being told there is a monster in my future. Any particular challenges were framed as monstrously difficult. When I was single I was told "just wait till you get a girlfriend." When I got one I was told, "wait till you get married." Then it became "wait till you have kids." I remember distinctly being at work talking about something having to do with my children and an elderly man pipped up, "just wait till your kids turn 25." I was struck by this line. I realised how many times people told me to "just wait." I got a girlfriend, I got married, I had kids, I grew those kid and now my oldest will soon be 12. I faced challenges, but I always went at circumstance with the belief that most problems have some pretty simple solutions: 1. faith in God 2. faith in me 3. having a desire to persevere greater than my own ego. Whether it was dealing with the profound anxiety of being a father to a new born or dealing with a break down of my newly wed bride. 

Faith in God. I believe God is the agent of balance in the universe. I believe that his purposes and will function to bring about a sustainable universe both in the real and in the spiritual. All books have an author, all rivers start from somewhere. Understanding God as the agent of balance causes me to believe "this too shall pass." I can persevere and I can succeed because if I am functioning in the flow of a purposeful God I can ridge that purpose to a better place. I have been in darkness and faith has given me the ability to put one foot in front of the other and move on.

Faith in me. This is not self-confidence. It is something more akin to trusting that, while I am not my perfect, my goals and my intentions are not malicious no matter how it may be framed by others. This might seem obvious, but I struggle with feelings of shame and inadequacy and affording myself the grace to believe that I am not a creature of malicious intent is a daily exercise for me. Once upon a time, I would seek to take the blame. I would actively aspire to the be the monster. If an apology helped I would simply drag myself through the pain and come to a peace. The problem is that Jesus said, "you will know the truth and the truth will set you free." If I believe in truth, it is incumbent upon me to seek truth and the truth is it's not "all my fault." This leaves me with a responsibility to the truth over the good feelings of others. I am responsible to seek freedom and seek the truth. People can often use this in a wicked way. Taylor Swift had a great line from a song, "casually cruel in the name of being honest." The responsibility to truth is an internal vow to myself that, regardless of whether it is easier, I am not going to be the monster in the story because that is not the truth. While I recognise that I need to own my mistakes, my life includes my mistakes as well as the mistakes of others.

Finally, I have had to desire to continue greater than my own ego. I have wanted to run, hide, die and leave. Passionately. Those are all real emotions and every single time I have had to dig into and find a path through. Whether it was thinking about how my kids would cope with my decisions or just bearing down and moving forward, each of these feelings hide my own insecurity. Even, as I write this, I am my mothers son. I have walked through my own Hell and I'm sure there will be more. In me I have a will that drags me forward. That even when my feelings of humiliation, self-loathing and shame stir in me, I am compelled to move the machine forward step by step. 

All this leads me to talk about, as Grover would say, "the monster at the end of this book." This monster is none other than a "teenager." Oh the negativity people have around a teenager. My dear 12 year old son (if you believe the words of others) on his 13th birthday will change shape into a stinky, angry toad. He will hate me and he will think I dont know anything. People told me lots of terrible things about kids at various times. 

One lesson has guided my parenting. When I was 28 I was an EA in a program that was essentially the last stop for kids before juvenile hall. These kids were not kind. The teacher told me, "you build social credit with these kids. You take out what you put in. These are the kinds of kids where, if you have not invested in them, and you attempt to pull it out than they will shut you down. I have always believed that as it relates to parenting. I believe if my kids don't count me as a fountain of love, affection and wisdom than I will never expect to receive anything from them. I am not entitled to their respect. I create an environment where respect is required. They expect it from me and in turn they give it back. When tenants of respect are violated they will call me out on it and I will confess my failures to them if the situation calls for it. 

It goes for any virtue. If I fail to model it, I cant expect it in return. If I want them humble, I humble myself to them. If I want them kind then I show kindness. When the virtues of my house are not maintained then this is also highlighted. They want the good that I offer them. I offer them safety and security from parents who are accept them and love them at their worst. When I am in a difficult moment my wife will confess I often say, "you know when I said I love you and I am proud of you, it includes moments like these." 

While I know there are curve balls and life can be vicious, I also believe that I have the absolute best kids. What I mean by that is that there's nobody in the world I enjoy more than my children. They are funny, kind, sweet, smart, sharp and a delight. They have a dad who will hold them when they cry and who will fight them if they need an adversary. They are happy and the joy of their person is evident to anyone who meets them. They know they belong to team Vogt. I am confident that me and Doris are capable of dealing with their changes while still keeping them grounded in a family that celebrates them. They belong here with us. They go out and share in the rest of the world, but in their hearts they know the embrace of their father and mother is the place they want to be. 

I am highly sceptical of kids who become teenagers in a house like this becoming vindictive monsters. Before you look at my children or me and decide you know my future, take into account the evidence of who they are and bare that in mind before you attempt to curse me with a dark and ugly prediction of the future. 

  

Cheesecake and truth

 Body image is a funny thing. Being a human is kind of a funny. Socially, I have always been under the impression that fat is bad and people who are fat are lazy and people who are not work hard. Now like most things, there is some truth there, but it is an oversimplification. There are usually more complicated answers to questions of why someone carries more weight and why someone doesn't. It isn't always about a persons lack of effort, but similarly effort cant be removed from the equation. Similarly, while the stigma around body weight is tough, it can certainly come with health challenges that can be serious.  

I grew up in a house where there was some difficulties with weight. My mother and my father both struggled with weight at different times, as did my sister. I have observed that women seem to have a much more visceral feeling about food than men have about food. In my conversations I have noticed that women will tend to his food as a descriptor much more readily than men do. While women tend to be much more focused on the creative and personal connection of food, men don't seem to as much. It isn't to say that men don't have strong attachments to food, its just different between genders. 

My mother was very focused on limiting our access to indulgent food. She was by no means excessive, but compared to our contemporaries she was certainly stricter. I grew up in restaurants and was exposed to a variety of foods. I enjoyed these experiences and found food a glorious, creative expression. My father was always overweight and I was always conscious about it. It was cited as one of the reasons for his early death. So, my main lesson from childhood was be in-control of your diet (Mom) or something bad will happen (Dad). 

I was quite thin in my teen years. Tall and thin with a heavy bone structure. I am 6'3 and weighed about 180lbs. I was dubbed by the body mass index to be overweight and so the term has been someone difficult for me to really appreciate since I have been overweight even when I was fundamentally skinny. I rolled onto my 20's and went up to 220lbs. Then I went through a period of intense focus on fitness. I would eat a chief salad and fish for lunch, a steak for dinner and a protein shake post gym. My friends at the time commented that my change was quite severe. I basically became a hard 220 as opposed to a soft 220. I was living with a friend who also was quite into the gym and diet and cooking. 

I moved on my own, I still went to the gym, but I got much lazier with my diet. I began to reach for cookies to give me a quick energy boost. I was probably 240 at this point. During this period I got married and moved in with my wife. As happens to many men, the regularity of eating paid off and I dropped to 230 lbs. 

I am a very emotional person. If I feel something I feel it with a deep and profound passion. Its actually a really big challenge. Where this comes from is the fact that I love my wife and I wanted to be with her and share life with her as much as I possibly could. When we started our family, this feeling was times by a million. Now the main thrust was to make sure she didnt feel overwhelmed with the kids or if she needed me to do something I wanted to be there for her. While I can appreciate that devotion doesn't sound like a problem, it is when it inhibits your personal growth. I choose my wife and kids, always-at least from my perception. This is a bit much. If I could sit myself down, I would have tried to give myself balance and taken sometime to grow personally, but the hard fought lessons of age and time are not so easily imparted. 

I stopped including fitness and spent a great deal of time with my wife and kids. I ate what was there. During this period I also addressed some of my developmental challenges in the form of ADHD and started to take medication. I genuinely believe some of these medications are detrimental because they can effect appetite. To this day I have a difficult time understanding my own sense of hunger. Time has gone by and the character of my family and the needs are not the same and I am left with the question why am I 290lbs?

I never thought myself sedentary. When I am home I am usually puttering around working on something rather than watching TV. I have a job that, while I dont walk a ton, I am on my feet all day. As a family, we eat fairly well. We do get take out, but I never thought it was excessive. Why am I "overweight?" Fast forward to this past August. My work had a step-competition. I thought it would fun so I entered. I did terribly. I was consistently among the worst. In my view, most of my problems can be addressed by some self-reflection and will power. So, here is the mystery why I and most men in my circumstances are a touch rounder than we ought to be. 

1. Environment- Everyone who lives on the prairies drives everywhere. Yes, I can and do walk, but its not consistently practical both because I need the speed and convenience of a vehicle. 

2.My schedule- I work from 10-6 most days. We eat between 6-7 and around 8 we begin getting ready for night. By 10pm everyone is asleep and I take time for myself. Sometime I workout and sometimes I dont. While I realise I could work out in the morning, devoting 12 hours of my 16 hour day does leave you needing a little self-care.  

3.My closet diet- I cheat with chocolate and sweets. Its a mixture of me being lazy and me hating the fact that I have share every delicious thing with 3 other people (my kids). 

4.My body- My genetics have contributed to me being large. I come from a long line of farmer-types. Body doesn't let fat go too easy. When I put my body through adversity my bodies answer is "put on muscle" not "lean up." Muscle sounds good, but the challenges of being bigger dont disappear with more muscle and less fat. 

Yes, I realise I could join a sports team or start a hobby that was physical. Yes, I realise I could get a job that gave me better hours the left me at home more. I realise I can clean up my diet. I also realise if I answer 1-3, number 4 would get alot better. Simple/easy answers dont really square like they did when I was 20. The other problem is that the hardest part is changing direction. If you have consistent habits, its easier to continue them. If you are into fitness, its easy to keep going because you've already developed the habits. The transition is difficult and is much more fraught with challenges. Among them is choosing myself more than choosing my family. 

Farewell to shame and guilt

"Though in reviewing the incidents of my administration I am unconscious of intentional error, I am nevertheless too sensible of my defects not to think it probable that I may have committed many errors. Whatever they may be, I fervently beseech the Almighty to avert or mitigate the evils to which they may tend. I shall also carry with me the hope that my country will never cease to view them with indulgence and that, after forty-five years of my life dedicated to its service with an upright zeal, the faults of incompetent abilities will be consigned to oblivion, as myself must soon be to the mansions of rest."

George Washington Farewell address to congress

What a difficult and complicated thing is to grow up in a house where two flawed human beings run it. Two people who lack perfect sense and simply go on what they figure makes sense. People who let their feelings run the show and lean on their own insecurities rather than their principals......this is basically every household with parents, if we are being honest. 

One of the major difficulties I have been left with in my experience of parenting is just how much relies on your decisions. There are choices that are better and worse and Western culture has made us think that we can find those answers. With the quality of those answers we are left with the measurement of what makes us a good parent. When do you have a heavy hand and when the soft touch. Are you to discipline them or to back down. The right decisions and the wrong decisions aren't always clear.  

I don't know about you, but my teenage years were quite dramatic. From 10-16, I moved three times, went to 4 different schools, went through puberty, became an uncle and was orphaned upon the passing of my father. I've had less eventful decades since. All this drama and I spent a lot of time trying to recover from it. I spent time asking questions and trying to understand why my life had been given to such calamity. I had a Mom and Dad and since the former was dead all I had was the later. 

As most of you know I loved my Dad dearly. He and my Mom had a unique relationship. He was the ideas man and the dreamer and she was the engine of their dreams. It actually worked really well in some ways. The struggle in theirs, as in most relationships, was really appreciating the other person and the contributions they bring. I find it is easy in my relationship to look at my wife and think, "you don't even know how lost you would be without me." She thinks the same thing and the funny thing is that we are both right. We work on understanding each other- as did my Mom and Dad. Near the end of my Dad's life my parents had gone to therapy and my Dad had even gone to therapy alone. Very progressive for a man of his era. One of the last things my Mom remembers him saying was, "at the end of it all, all you'll really have left in this world when your gone are your children." 

The problem for me was he died before they really got to change their life in a meaningful way. The reason that was a problem (besides the obvious) is that I never really got to understand him. Many people say, "they remember looking back on their dad as a child of ___ age." My relationship with him is forever stuck at a 16 year old. I can only ever see him through the eyes of a state of life that is further and further away. This left only my Mother's voice. Only her perspective. 

The difficulty in that is that she, like most people, saw her husband and herself through the lens of her being the "good guy." She was forever sacrificing and yet she never felt like it was enough. She never saw her intensity being matched and that left her frustrated and isolated for a long time.  From the perception of a kid like me this was all rather difficult. I adored my father and didn't understand why things didn't work right. Yet time/perspective is always the best teacher. I know for me helping my wife love and support me in the way that I need has been one of the most challenging parts of our relationship. Conversely trying to figure out what she needs and how I can do that for her has been another difficult part. I often feel like my intensity isn't matched and that makes me feel isolated and alone. I wonder how my children perceive me? 

Having recognised the difficulties they went through and understanding in my experience with a relationship, I have come to reckognize the words of George Washington as being the soundest piece of wisdom- both in parenting and in marriage. 

In reviewing the events of my childhood I am sure my mother and father did not make mistakes on purpose, but I know they would know that they did made mistakes unintentionally. Whatever they may be, I choose to view them with indulgence and after 42 years of my mothers life (and 16 of my fathers) dedicated to me and my siblings with an upright zeal the faults of these errors I consign to oblivion. May she be held up as a women who worked fervently for her family, of which I am part, and for God's people. May he who was my father be remembered as a man of insurmountable passion, charm, intelligence and wit for whom I might be so lucky as to be half-his equal in these regards. 

In reviewing the events of my marriage and fatherhood, I am unaware of intentional wrong. I am also aware of my flaws and know that there are many ugly things I may have done without knowing it. I pray also that the Almighty might mitigate the evils they may have caused. I hope that my wife and children will see my devotion and allow me the privilege of being a Picaso for them-something deformed and flawed that can still communicate the beauty, tragedy and wonder of life.

Amen  

Lessons from the doctor

"I have witnessed events so tiny and so fast they can hardly said to have occurred at all." -Dr Mathatten from the movie "The Watchmen." 

It's difficult, sometimes, to come up with things to write about. The world that I live in is small, but it is filled with many profound and subtle differences it could be argued whether they count for anything at all. Yet, they count for me. My children have so many little victories and I have so many victories in my life that are so small and I am conscious of each and everyone of them. 

A simple example of this was at a family gathering I heard my niece and my daughter fighting. I called them both to me and my daughter said "whenever I am playing a game Kerean always tries to take it away from me and then L did it now too." I said, "Kerean absolutely does that all the time, but do you think the fact that he does it all the time makes you a bit too sensitive to your cousin doing it?" The anxiety washed away from her face and her reason took charge. I told her to go play with her cousin and they ran away without skipping a beat. I was sitting amongst my family who all took the time to compliment me, which is not a common thing. That moment was special because it showed my daughter need only understand to gain control of the situation. She is maturing. It was also gratifying for my family to see me flex as a parent. 

I will take you back to when I was 24 and in seminary. I sought wisdom because I wanted to be a Bible teacher. During the process I made some really quality friends. People of such great character and intellect that I would think some might believe these kinds of people a myth. Two of my favourite people were named Joey and Jessie. Joey and his then girlfriend both declared that I could be famous. To an insecure kid like me I held on to that. Time went by and we all went our separate ways. Joey is a bishop in the Northwest Territories and Jessie is the CEO of a large publishing house. Old Tyler did not find his way to such success. Now before anyone comes at me, "oh you have a wonderful family," trust me I am aware. As a man there is a measure of your careers success. It is built into your DNA. Let me be clear, I applaud the success of my old friends. They are men of dignity, courage and integrity. There success is not a matter of luck but the result of their diligence and commitment. 

Yet, I have learned that two things can be true at the same time. I can struggle with conflicting feelings and that doesn't mean I am conflicted.  They can also be committed to their families and still have careers. This is not to cast dispersion on them or myself, but rather reconciling my choices I have made. 

Going back to that moment of revelation of my daughter. Sweet Autumn Justina sees truth and grasps it. She drops the weight of her frustrations and enjoys her life. My belongs first to God and second to my family. The knowledge of being a good servant to God and being a good servant to my children is profoundly satisfying. No, people dont know my name. That's okay. I am content if after I am gone they might say of him, "he loved his family and gave all he could for them." 

I will end with a poem called "Jenny kissed me." I change the Jenny to Autumn, but this poem really encompasses my feeling. 

Autumn kiss’d me when we met,

Jumping from the chair she sat in;

Time, you thief, who love to get

Sweets into your list, put that in!

Say I’m weary, say I’m sad,

Say that health and wealth have miss’d me,

Say I’m growing old, but add,

Autumn kiss’d me.