"Though in reviewing the incidents of my administration I am unconscious of intentional error, I am nevertheless too sensible of my defects not to think it probable that I may have committed many errors. Whatever they may be, I fervently beseech the Almighty to avert or mitigate the evils to which they may tend. I shall also carry with me the hope that my country will never cease to view them with indulgence and that, after forty-five years of my life dedicated to its service with an upright zeal, the faults of incompetent abilities will be consigned to oblivion, as myself must soon be to the mansions of rest."
George Washington Farewell address to congress
What a difficult and complicated thing is to grow up in a house where two flawed human beings run it. Two people who lack perfect sense and simply go on what they figure makes sense. People who let their feelings run the show and lean on their own insecurities rather than their principals......this is basically every household with parents, if we are being honest.
One of the major difficulties I have been left with in my experience of parenting is just how much relies on your decisions. There are choices that are better and worse and Western culture has made us think that we can find those answers. With the quality of those answers we are left with the measurement of what makes us a good parent. When do you have a heavy hand and when the soft touch. Are you to discipline them or to back down. The right decisions and the wrong decisions aren't always clear.
I don't know about you, but my teenage years were quite dramatic. From 10-16, I moved three times, went to 4 different schools, went through puberty, became an uncle and was orphaned upon the passing of my father. I've had less eventful decades since. All this drama and I spent a lot of time trying to recover from it. I spent time asking questions and trying to understand why my life had been given to such calamity. I had a Mom and Dad and since the former was dead all I had was the later.
As most of you know I loved my Dad dearly. He and my Mom had a unique relationship. He was the ideas man and the dreamer and she was the engine of their dreams. It actually worked really well in some ways. The struggle in theirs, as in most relationships, was really appreciating the other person and the contributions they bring. I find it is easy in my relationship to look at my wife and think, "you don't even know how lost you would be without me." She thinks the same thing and the funny thing is that we are both right. We work on understanding each other- as did my Mom and Dad. Near the end of my Dad's life my parents had gone to therapy and my Dad had even gone to therapy alone. Very progressive for a man of his era. One of the last things my Mom remembers him saying was, "at the end of it all, all you'll really have left in this world when your gone are your children."
The problem for me was he died before they really got to change their life in a meaningful way. The reason that was a problem (besides the obvious) is that I never really got to understand him. Many people say, "they remember looking back on their dad as a child of ___ age." My relationship with him is forever stuck at a 16 year old. I can only ever see him through the eyes of a state of life that is further and further away. This left only my Mother's voice. Only her perspective.
The difficulty in that is that she, like most people, saw her husband and herself through the lens of her being the "good guy." She was forever sacrificing and yet she never felt like it was enough. She never saw her intensity being matched and that left her frustrated and isolated for a long time. From the perception of a kid like me this was all rather difficult. I adored my father and didn't understand why things didn't work right. Yet time/perspective is always the best teacher. I know for me helping my wife love and support me in the way that I need has been one of the most challenging parts of our relationship. Conversely trying to figure out what she needs and how I can do that for her has been another difficult part. I often feel like my intensity isn't matched and that makes me feel isolated and alone. I wonder how my children perceive me?
Having recognised the difficulties they went through and understanding in my experience with a relationship, I have come to reckognize the words of George Washington as being the soundest piece of wisdom- both in parenting and in marriage.
In reviewing the events of my childhood I am sure my mother and father did not make mistakes on purpose, but I know they would know that they did made mistakes unintentionally. Whatever they may be, I choose to view them with indulgence and after 42 years of my mothers life (and 16 of my fathers) dedicated to me and my siblings with an upright zeal the faults of these errors I consign to oblivion. May she be held up as a women who worked fervently for her family, of which I am part, and for God's people. May he who was my father be remembered as a man of insurmountable passion, charm, intelligence and wit for whom I might be so lucky as to be half-his equal in these regards.
In reviewing the events of my marriage and fatherhood, I am unaware of intentional wrong. I am also aware of my flaws and know that there are many ugly things I may have done without knowing it. I pray also that the Almighty might mitigate the evils they may have caused. I hope that my wife and children will see my devotion and allow me the privilege of being a Picaso for them-something deformed and flawed that can still communicate the beauty, tragedy and wonder of life.
Amen
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