Body image is a funny thing. Being a human is kind of a funny. Socially, I have always been under the impression that fat is bad and people who are fat are lazy and people who are not work hard. Now like most things, there is some truth there, but it is an oversimplification. There are usually more complicated answers to questions of why someone carries more weight and why someone doesn't. It isn't always about a persons lack of effort, but similarly effort cant be removed from the equation. Similarly, while the stigma around body weight is tough, it can certainly come with health challenges that can be serious.
I grew up in a house where there was some difficulties with weight. My mother and my father both struggled with weight at different times, as did my sister. I have observed that women seem to have a much more visceral feeling about food than men have about food. In my conversations I have noticed that women will tend to his food as a descriptor much more readily than men do. While women tend to be much more focused on the creative and personal connection of food, men don't seem to as much. It isn't to say that men don't have strong attachments to food, its just different between genders.
My mother was very focused on limiting our access to indulgent food. She was by no means excessive, but compared to our contemporaries she was certainly stricter. I grew up in restaurants and was exposed to a variety of foods. I enjoyed these experiences and found food a glorious, creative expression. My father was always overweight and I was always conscious about it. It was cited as one of the reasons for his early death. So, my main lesson from childhood was be in-control of your diet (Mom) or something bad will happen (Dad).
I was quite thin in my teen years. Tall and thin with a heavy bone structure. I am 6'3 and weighed about 180lbs. I was dubbed by the body mass index to be overweight and so the term has been someone difficult for me to really appreciate since I have been overweight even when I was fundamentally skinny. I rolled onto my 20's and went up to 220lbs. Then I went through a period of intense focus on fitness. I would eat a chief salad and fish for lunch, a steak for dinner and a protein shake post gym. My friends at the time commented that my change was quite severe. I basically became a hard 220 as opposed to a soft 220. I was living with a friend who also was quite into the gym and diet and cooking.
I moved on my own, I still went to the gym, but I got much lazier with my diet. I began to reach for cookies to give me a quick energy boost. I was probably 240 at this point. During this period I got married and moved in with my wife. As happens to many men, the regularity of eating paid off and I dropped to 230 lbs.
I am a very emotional person. If I feel something I feel it with a deep and profound passion. Its actually a really big challenge. Where this comes from is the fact that I love my wife and I wanted to be with her and share life with her as much as I possibly could. When we started our family, this feeling was times by a million. Now the main thrust was to make sure she didnt feel overwhelmed with the kids or if she needed me to do something I wanted to be there for her. While I can appreciate that devotion doesn't sound like a problem, it is when it inhibits your personal growth. I choose my wife and kids, always-at least from my perception. This is a bit much. If I could sit myself down, I would have tried to give myself balance and taken sometime to grow personally, but the hard fought lessons of age and time are not so easily imparted.
I stopped including fitness and spent a great deal of time with my wife and kids. I ate what was there. During this period I also addressed some of my developmental challenges in the form of ADHD and started to take medication. I genuinely believe some of these medications are detrimental because they can effect appetite. To this day I have a difficult time understanding my own sense of hunger. Time has gone by and the character of my family and the needs are not the same and I am left with the question why am I 290lbs?
I never thought myself sedentary. When I am home I am usually puttering around working on something rather than watching TV. I have a job that, while I dont walk a ton, I am on my feet all day. As a family, we eat fairly well. We do get take out, but I never thought it was excessive. Why am I "overweight?" Fast forward to this past August. My work had a step-competition. I thought it would fun so I entered. I did terribly. I was consistently among the worst. In my view, most of my problems can be addressed by some self-reflection and will power. So, here is the mystery why I and most men in my circumstances are a touch rounder than we ought to be.
1. Environment- Everyone who lives on the prairies drives everywhere. Yes, I can and do walk, but its not consistently practical both because I need the speed and convenience of a vehicle.
2.My schedule- I work from 10-6 most days. We eat between 6-7 and around 8 we begin getting ready for night. By 10pm everyone is asleep and I take time for myself. Sometime I workout and sometimes I dont. While I realise I could work out in the morning, devoting 12 hours of my 16 hour day does leave you needing a little self-care.
3.My closet diet- I cheat with chocolate and sweets. Its a mixture of me being lazy and me hating the fact that I have share every delicious thing with 3 other people (my kids).
4.My body- My genetics have contributed to me being large. I come from a long line of farmer-types. Body doesn't let fat go too easy. When I put my body through adversity my bodies answer is "put on muscle" not "lean up." Muscle sounds good, but the challenges of being bigger dont disappear with more muscle and less fat.
Yes, I realise I could join a sports team or start a hobby that was physical. Yes, I realise I could get a job that gave me better hours the left me at home more. I realise I can clean up my diet. I also realise if I answer 1-3, number 4 would get alot better. Simple/easy answers dont really square like they did when I was 20. The other problem is that the hardest part is changing direction. If you have consistent habits, its easier to continue them. If you are into fitness, its easy to keep going because you've already developed the habits. The transition is difficult and is much more fraught with challenges. Among them is choosing myself more than choosing my family.
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