Happy? New Year?

New years has been one of the more underwhelming moments of celebration in my calendar. Most other holidays carry with it a variety of different pleasant memories, but New Years is filled largely with dull recollections and early nights sleep.

I find most people have this experience. You see in movies stories of people waiting till midnight to kiss beautiful strangers and fall in love, but the vast majority of people are going to sleep and wondering what they are going to do on a day with no plans and no stores open.

There is one tradition, however, I chose to carry on and that is the notion of 'a year in review.' New years has a way of asking, "so what now?" Now that you've had that (2017), what now (2018)? As I reflected on 2017, all I could think of was stress and anxiety. I didn't feel joy or jubilation about any event, but rather an overwhelming sense of tension. It has made me realize that my attitude has been to perceive myself as only having a value of agency in my family rather than in intrinsic value/benefit for simply being myself to those I love. Said another way, I felt like I was okay as long as I could benefit someone when the people who love me see a benefit in me and not what I can do for them.

Relationships are funny. How often we project or agenda onto others and fit their response into our story of life. If people were happy with me, its cos I did something for them. If people were unhappy, its cos I failed them. Really?! Is the whole world so brutal? Are the people I love so without concern?! No. Of course not. Yet, what a lesson to learn. I learnt that lesson sitting in a movie theater with my brother and nephew watching star wars. As the tears streamed down my face I felt a sense of relief and release because I am actually doing okay. My wife likes me. My kids like me. My friends like me. I am doing okay. I am not at the top of the world, but that doesn't really matter. What matters is that I am here and I am in the game.

Its easy to look at the big stories and scale the value of our future by our past, but the simple and beautiful reality is that there is a future. There is a tomorrow because I am alive and I have the power to love and be loved. I can express myself and to live a deeply satisfying life where I can serve out of love rather than obligation and care and receive care out of a sense of value. So, dear reader, as you reflect on your 2017 and think of your 2018-realize that there are endless possibilities within 2018 that offer rewards both menial and transcendent to effect you, but the truest reward will come in those you choose to love and cherish. In closing, find someone to kiss or hug or smile at or high five. Risk in relationships. Risk loving and letting yourself be loved. Its easy to live in a world of exchange, where we see relationships as a market transaction, but take courage and go beyond and find your value in truly honest and sincere love. Happy new year reader. I hope your 2017 blew your mind and that you go into 2018 with hope for a future better than you can imagine. Now if you'll excuse me I need to go kiss my wife and kids.

A beginning, a middle and an end

Whenever my friends declares that they have hit some sort of midlife crisis due to a birthday and the realization of getting older, my response is the same, "did you expect something else to happen."

As a person who lost a intimate relationship very young I had a very early introduction to endings and they have followed me ever since. There is always a little kernel in me that pauses to give consideration to the endings. There was a really beautiful letter that Abraham Lincoln sent to the daughter of a dear friend who died.

"Dear Fanny

It is with deep grief that I learn of the death of your kind and brave Father; and, especially, that it is affecting your young heart beyond what is common in such cases. In this sad world of ours, sorrow comes to all; and, to the young, it comes with bitterest agony, because it takes them unawares. The older have learned to ever expect it. I am anxious to afford some alleviation of your present distress. Perfect relief is not possible, except with time. You can not now realize that you will ever feel better. Is not this so? And yet it is a mistake. You are sure to be happy again. To know this, which is certainly true, will make you some less miserable now. I have had experience enough to know what I say; and you need only to believe it, to feel better at once. The memory of your dear Father, instead of an agony, will yet be a sad sweet feeling in your heart, of a purer and holier sort than you have known before.
Please present my kind regards to your afflicted mother.
Your sincere friend,
A. Lincoln"

It is an eloquent soul that can so be attuned to the how we understand and lament endings. 

Yet, this is a blog about a young family and it concerns beginnings. My children are very young. My son is 6, his brother is 3 and his sister is 1. Yet even now I am struck that they have changed. They understand the world a little bit better and are a little bit more capable of a little more than before. They are climbing mountains, so why am I at the bottom of their mountains wishing they were with me. When I look at pictures of them from a year or two ago, I am struck that the kid that sits before me isn't the same kid. From what I understand most parents lament this transition a little. So why are we as people so bad at living life. 

In a world where we are fed notions of progress not peace. We believe in getting rather than God. We consider usability before unity. We believe virtue positions itself in the future. We ache for a world we dont have and when we get it our world view steals are joy of the moment and we go on to wish for the world we had to come back. In short, we want what we had and what we might have in the future. In light of all this, I am inclined to ask myself the question, "did you expect something else to happen."

My lessons for this current stage of life is to treat emotions as markers on a path. Its not wrong for me to miss my kids infancy, but if I follow that emotion it will lead me to a place I dont want to go. It will steal my joy and steal me from my kids and wife who are the most important. So as I reflect on the beginning, the middle and the end I am reminded of Ecclesiastes

"You who are young, be happy while you are young,
    and let your heart give you joy in the days of your youth.
Follow the ways of your heart
    and whatever your eyes see,
but know that for all these things
    God will bring you into judgment.
10 So then, banish anxiety from your heart
    and cast off the troubles of your body"

Welcome to this day my dear reader. Welcome to this moment. Banish anxiety in the knowledge that it is God's desire for you and embrace the beauty of the million moments you have been given.  

On to us a child is born, on to us a son is given

She came out of the bathroom and went up stairs and went to bed. I went to the bathroom and noticed an open pregnancy test. We had been trying for some time to have a baby, but were so far unsuccessful. I looked in the garbage and found her test. It was positive. I was wide eyed and wondered if she knew and wasnt telling me or what was going on. I went up stairs and casually asked if she took a test and she said, "yah, but it was false." I informed her to the contrary and what followed was 3 days of confirmation through various methods that indeed Azariah was on the way.

So here we are, 6 years and 9 months later. I/we have had six years to parent this kid. Its really quite surreal at times with your oldest because you are constantly being ushered into new experiences. The younger ones might feel a bit more secure, but the oldest is always the victim of your inexperience. Now, we have a new screaming flower to enjoy blossoming. That flower being personality.

So now we get into a difficult stage where he has self-determination. He knows what he wants most of the time. So how do we influence it. Do we bring down the hammer hard and make him feel the wrath of micromanagement and a merciless approach to life. Do we talk big and just kind of let our threats be the end of it. Do we let him call the shots. Chances are we know people who have our are from these types of parenting style. Realistically we are all probably some where in between.

My strategy has been to engage him in conversation. To do make believe with him when I have the time and/or energy to do so. To occasionally whisper to him, "ill love you forever." To treat him to a special and unique treat that I know he'll enjoy. To make sure that he understands respect-big time. To challenge how he thinks. To try and communicate to him and teach him in a way that he understands. Now all that sounds good, but to be honest I dont know what Im doing. This is all knew and I have realized that the perfect parent is largely fictional. So I/we bare the responsibility of this boy and teaching him how to be engaged with the world. To give him a childhood, but to give him the tools to transition to manhood.

To end my post, dear reader, I will say that I am afraid. I am a flawed man. I am emotional, foolish, impulsive and weak. I am parenting a kid that has some real struggles. My wife is flawed and has weaknesses as well. Our parents were flawed and didnt get it completely right. What are we to do? All we have is lots of love and tender hearts that will prioritize his (and his siblings) well being. Maybe thats enough. Maybe its not about being perfect, but its about being in the game. Being present and letting your love for them cover over your failures as a parent. Did it Azariah? If you are reading this some time in the future, its your sixth birthday and me and mama worry if we did it all right. We love you, we love being with you and cherish who you are as a person. We dont know what we're doing, but we want to do right by you. We have loved you every day since you have read this and we will love you every day after. I go up stairs and hug and kiss your six year old self and I will try every day to make sure you know I love you and I care. With all the power that God has put into my hands I will make sure my love for you will be felt and seen. You are a treasure an inspiration and a gift. One that you mother and I do not take lightly. Happy Birthday my sweet boy.

Living in glass houses

I've always appreciated the analogy of "people who live in glass houses shouldnt throw stones." Life and interaction with individuals always seemed to feel like stones. Subtle lashes of undertones. Physical expressions. Eye contact. These feel like stones. The marks of dishonest and disingenuous communication...mostly because I dont understand it and it usually blows up on me. So what better thing for someone like me to do than get married. Now I consider myself balanced, or at least I try, and yet I have found the level of fragility between a man and a woman quite frightening. You really do move into a glass house on your wedding day and you come to realize you've been throwing stones alot over the years. It isnt my marriage, its just marriage. People are fragile and cruel. Throwing stones in glass houses and getting caught in the ensuing shrapnel.

With no amount of pride, I consider myself to be intelligent-that is to say I consider myself having the faculties to over come the challenges I decide to face. I am also tenacious. That is where the list of my gifting really end. Now this is not meant to be self-depreciating. I have had a great deal of success in my life and have over come a great deal with intelligence and a tenacious spirit. I dont have skill with my hands. I am not particularly athletic nor am I a gifted socialite. I have a good memory, a critical mind and I understand patterns. I have failed at alot of things. Too many things to list, but my proudest failure was the time I tried to become a spy.

If you will indulge me I will tell you one of my favorite stories. I have never been shy about trying things and one day I decided to apply for the Canadian Securities and Intelligence Services (CSIS)-the Canadian secret service. I applied for this and time past and I was standing in the office of one of my dear friends named Krista. Now at the time I had just gotten my first cell phone and it rang. I looked down at the call display and it said, "number withheld." I was deeply confused as I had never seen that before. I answered the phone and the lady on the other end introduced herself as being from CSIS and wanted to arrange a phone interview. She asked me if I could arrange a "secure line." I enlisted the help of my aunt who was the only person I knew who had a lan line. I went to her home and got the call. The person on the phone asked me what I felt my qualifications for the job were, I asked for some information about the job and was informed they couldn't tell me. As you can imagine, the interview did not go well. A few weeks later I received a non-descript letter with my name and address typed from what I could see to be a type writer. I opened the letter and received a very formal and official government letter telling me I didn't get the job.

Now all this to say, I take a certain amount of pride at being the guy who keeps at it. I married a woman, a flawed woman (of course she married a flawed man), but a woman equally tenacious. We dont have a perfect marriage, but we have a marriage better than the one we started. I am grateful for being married to someone willing to equally participate. WE dont understand each other. We miss each other...often, but we keep trying. As I look on nine years of marriage, ten years together, I am continually more grateful for her. When I see marriages fail, I often see people who started marriages only partly committed. We idealize and dream and when stone throwing husbands and wives come into our house we are tempted to run away. Thanks for not running from me Doris and I am glad I haven't run from you either.

So, again, I find myself in a position of having long neglected this blog. Recent experience has reminded me that if a person has a gift (particularly in writing) than it is their responsibility to practice it. So, again, I ask your forgiveness for my neglect and I will attempt again to present a picture of my family as it is currently.

It seems like a terribly big task to go into detail about what happened since my last post so I just wont. Rather than going into extensive detail about what has transpired in a year, I will just attempt to give you a picture of our  family as it currently exists.

As I say this my daughter Autumn is pulling on my sweater, wanting Papa's attention. Autumn is my youngest daughter with the sweetest smile. I am always astonished when I take her into public and she gets even the most rough looking men smile. I got the name Autumn from the movie 500 days of summer. I love names and so Im going to give you some stories about names. Autumn's full name is Autumn Justina Grace. As I said, I got her name from the movie 500 Days of Summer. This movie is best described as an anti-love story. The intro describes it as boy meets girl, but not a love story. Essentially, the protagonist Tom meets a girl named Summer and he falls in love with her. Summer isnt sure about her feelings,but engages him in a pseudo relationship. This approach messes with Tom and eventually he is dumped and his hope is completly shot down. After he is dumped, he decides to pick himself up and starts applying for his long neglected career choice. As he goes in for a job interview he meets a beautiful, interesting girl who he sparks an interaction with. As he walks away he doubles back and she introduces herself as "Autumn." While this dialouge is a little on the nose, I really identified with Tom. You see Tom as a hopeful creature who loses his hope and when he meets Autumn he finds hope. I named my daughter after a sense of hope. After a sense of change and beauty.

Kerean is my second born. Kerean's name is mush of a few different things. If you would pronounce it phoneticially it would sound like K-ear-ian. There is a Christian litergy transliterated from Greek as kyrie elesion. It means "Lord have mercy." I kind of blended it with a TV character named Tyrion. The name is meant as an invocation for mercy. I believe compassion is something we as a culture struggle to teach and generally have failed to practice. Ironically, teaching my son to consider how his actions effect others has been slightly tricky. Kerean is a very emotionally reactive boy. He just acts. While this is a benefit in the way that he will rarely miss out on things in his life, he will run great risk of making choices that isolate him(as the behavior of the self-involved so often does).

Azariah is a classic Bible name. It is the Hebrew name Abednego (Daniel's friend). The name means God helps. Now for me his middle name has more story than his first name (at least for me). His middle name is John. My brothers name is John. My fathers name was John. His fathers name was John. His fathers name was John. I asked my brother for permission to carry on this tradition and I was honored to be able to give my son an attachment to his past. I have meant a number of people who dont understand their past. I absolutely love my heritage and there are many in my extended family who have gone to great length to chronicle this history. I very proudly have been able to stamp my son with a very firm attachment to me and to my family.

One more thing to mention. Autumns middle names are Justina Grace. Justina is Doris' grandmothers name. One thing I love about Doris is her compassionate heart. In my view, you havent really been loved until Doris loves you. You couldnt ask for a better friend. I couldnt ask for a better heart to live life with and raise a family with. It is that same heart I have seen in her mother and her grandmother. I loved that we could honor her heritage of compassionate, loving, faithful and caring women by giving that name to our daughter.

Finally, I will make one last reference to 500 Days of SUmmer before I close. At one point in the movie the characters reflect on what true love means. One character compares "the girl of his dreams" with his current wife. "honestly Robin is better than the girl of my dreams, shes real." This to me so encapsulates our experience, not just with lovers, but with people. Idealized notions are not how people are made up and the struggle to see happiness often involves needing to see through the haze of idealized notions and just moving forward. I thank God for my wife and all who she is - good and bad.

So, I realize I didnt do much telling of life right now, but perhaps it will motivate me to write more frequently. Thank you for your patients and I will hopefully talk soon dear reader.