She came out of the bathroom and went up stairs and went to bed. I went to the bathroom and noticed an open pregnancy test. We had been trying for some time to have a baby, but were so far unsuccessful. I looked in the garbage and found her test. It was positive. I was wide eyed and wondered if she knew and wasnt telling me or what was going on. I went up stairs and casually asked if she took a test and she said, "yah, but it was false." I informed her to the contrary and what followed was 3 days of confirmation through various methods that indeed Azariah was on the way.
So here we are, 6 years and 9 months later. I/we have had six years to parent this kid. Its really quite surreal at times with your oldest because you are constantly being ushered into new experiences. The younger ones might feel a bit more secure, but the oldest is always the victim of your inexperience. Now, we have a new screaming flower to enjoy blossoming. That flower being personality.
So now we get into a difficult stage where he has self-determination. He knows what he wants most of the time. So how do we influence it. Do we bring down the hammer hard and make him feel the wrath of micromanagement and a merciless approach to life. Do we talk big and just kind of let our threats be the end of it. Do we let him call the shots. Chances are we know people who have our are from these types of parenting style. Realistically we are all probably some where in between.
My strategy has been to engage him in conversation. To do make believe with him when I have the time and/or energy to do so. To occasionally whisper to him, "ill love you forever." To treat him to a special and unique treat that I know he'll enjoy. To make sure that he understands respect-big time. To challenge how he thinks. To try and communicate to him and teach him in a way that he understands. Now all that sounds good, but to be honest I dont know what Im doing. This is all knew and I have realized that the perfect parent is largely fictional. So I/we bare the responsibility of this boy and teaching him how to be engaged with the world. To give him a childhood, but to give him the tools to transition to manhood.
To end my post, dear reader, I will say that I am afraid. I am a flawed man. I am emotional, foolish, impulsive and weak. I am parenting a kid that has some real struggles. My wife is flawed and has weaknesses as well. Our parents were flawed and didnt get it completely right. What are we to do? All we have is lots of love and tender hearts that will prioritize his (and his siblings) well being. Maybe thats enough. Maybe its not about being perfect, but its about being in the game. Being present and letting your love for them cover over your failures as a parent. Did it Azariah? If you are reading this some time in the future, its your sixth birthday and me and mama worry if we did it all right. We love you, we love being with you and cherish who you are as a person. We dont know what we're doing, but we want to do right by you. We have loved you every day since you have read this and we will love you every day after. I go up stairs and hug and kiss your six year old self and I will try every day to make sure you know I love you and I care. With all the power that God has put into my hands I will make sure my love for you will be felt and seen. You are a treasure an inspiration and a gift. One that you mother and I do not take lightly. Happy Birthday my sweet boy.
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