What do you want?
Its a simple question and yet has far reaching consequences. Prior to having children one of the jobs I had was as an educational assistant in a program where kids would go before they would be kicked out of school. We dealt with street-kids who were habitually challenging in various ways. One piece of advice that the teacher who ran the program told me was that if a street-kid didnt feel like you were sufficiently invested in them than they would reject your attempts to put limits one them.
I carried that belief into parenting. I continue to hold to that believe but, I have recently come to a simpler idea. Asking the question of my children, "what do you want?" Do you want to be happy? Do you want to be successful? Do you want a sandwich? This is, in some ways, a difficult question to answer. In a world where we are fed a million ideas/products, understanding what you want in a fundamental way can be challenging. For example, I sell cell phones and they are sometimes considered a status item. You can have kids who make a small amount of money work considerable amounts of time to pay for their cell phone. Do they really need that Iphone? Obviously not, but what they really need is something more fundamental to their life. There are often issues of personal value and worth at play and some people look at status items and think they will meet those needs. He thinks he wants an iphone, but he really wants respect.
On a basic level I am trying to help my kids get what they want, even if they dont know it on a conscious level. They arent totally aware that they want people to like them, so I make a point of helping them deal with problems in a constructive way and to be mindful when they act selfishly. My boys will want families, so I teach them to not physically hurt others. I want my daughter to not be a victim, so I challenge her to be the master of her own life and not point the finger. My son wanted a PS5 so I put tasks in front of him so he could earn it. I bribe them to read the Bible so they can have faith be a closer part of who they are. I take them places so they can have a unique story and know that they are just like most people . . . but not quite at the same time.
I have a friend who is expecting his first child. He remarked to me that he was concerned that his child would reject him when she got older. I told him that you never really reject a loving, supportive, encouraging parent that listens. You reject a domineering, controlling old person who doesn't know when to stop talking and let their opinions rest. I sincerely believe that if I position myself as a person who is actively trying to get my children what they want they will never reject me. I obviously understand that anything is possible, but I am conscious of the fact that if you are an integral part of a persons basic human drive (ie getting the thing you want), than any rational person will look at this person and keep them around. What that means to me....simple....I get to hang out with them. I get to keep kissing them. I get to keep telling them I love them. I want to stay in my children's life and I know in my heart that, as they get older, I will need to serve a purpose. If I help them get what they want, I mean what they really want, I know that they will always have a place for me. In my heart, thats all I really want. I want a place in the life of my children. I cant think of three people that give more to me and I think loving them as hard as I can also teaches them to love as hard as they can. Maybe I'm wrong, but I dont think I am. Maybe I am considering my relationship too transactional, but I know that if they let me stay with them it will make me happier. I know that I am protecting them from monsters and the hope is, when they and I get old enough, they will protect me from mine. I am not unaware of the direction the current carries me and I wish for nothing more than to sail it on the same ship as the three brilliant children God has given me.
