One of the greatest things
about little kids is their sense of humour. You can literally add the word bum
to something simple and its comedy gold. Such is one of my terms of endearment
to my youngest son. I say to him, "you are my bumshine." This is
something that makes him laugh because it lives right on the edge of humour and
the softness of calling him my sunshine. He loves it because it is a space
where he can be loved and also be genuine.
My wife and I were driving with
our two youngest in the car. Somehow to topic came up about travel. My daughter
exclaimed that she would live near us when she grew up. My son also affirmed
that he would choose this as well. My wife and I agreed that, while they were
free to choose their own fate, we would value them and try and be worthy of
that commitment and that we would always give them lots of demonstrative love.
This got me thinking of the
Bible passage, "when I was a child I thought like a child, I acted like a
child, I reasoned like a child, but when I became a man, I put childish ways
behind me." This is often used as an admonition for people to leave behind
the parts of themselves that are not how they want to act. This is not a bad
thing. It is valuable to put a line behind you and separate yourself from your
bad decisions and to feel renewed as being no longer a child, but rather being
a man. I feel that as a parent this is also essential to bare out that
transition in how you treat them. As time goes by you must choose to limit the
heavy handedness of parenting a child to the more supportive role of parenting
an adult. Even as I think about that, the thought crossed my mind, shouldn't
there still be a place for me to call my son "bumshine." What I mean
is, should I still not leave a space where he can feel vulnerable as well as
secure in the knowledge that he can be himself and laugh at silly jokes. Must
it not always be the job of a parent to provide a space for hugs and silly
nicknames as well as any piece of sincere tenderness that might flow from you
throughout your life with them. Wouldn’t it be nice if we all had a place where
we could feel safe to be held as well as teased. There is nothing about
adulthood that should remove that. While you don’t really think about wrestling
or tickling a grown man, if it is an organic and safe expression within your
relationship, why wouldn’t you?
While I aim to change how I
treat my children, keeping my unsolicited advice to a minimum, I wish both for
my own heart and for theirs that I always have a space for being silly together
and for them to feel the affection that comes from an unpretentious parent that
knows you never really grow out of that space where you want your dad to love
you.
