Every single person will do this who has lost a love one. They imagine a conversation with them in the present. I am doing this so that my children can understand the kind of son I am to my father and better understand me in the process.
Dear Dad
You have been dead for 21 years, 8 months and 10 days as I write this blog. Its funny because those numbers represent a lifetime. Who I am is very different than who I was when you left that day to go for surgery. I like to think I turned out okay. I have been married for 10 years and have 3 young kids. Its tough being a dad, but I love it. My oldest sons name is Azariah. He has my imagination & also my struggle talking to people. The middle child is Kerean. He is emotional. He will get angry and throw a toy car at you and start to cry after he realized he hurt you. He goes after what he wants. Autumn is my baby girl. She is the shadow of what will be an amazing woman. She is gentle, stubborn, sweet, given to great care and tenderness as well as more personality than I can handle. You would like her. You would like all of them.
I want to ask you some questions, but most of them can be answered on their own. Did you and mom really like each other? Do you regret anything in the past? Most of these would be a "yes." I just wish I had you in my life. Its so nice to have a relationship where you don't feel the weight of responsibility. I remember how I would sit & listen to you shoot the breeze with people & I felt so comfortable in your shadow. I guess when you died, I was forced out of that shadow. I had to engage with the world or run from it. I chose to engage, but it is profoundly difficult to reach out when your world is shattered. I know I would have had a much easier transition to manhood if you were here. I lament your death because I lament the lose of security and the lose of rest. I have had glimpses of rest, but not like that.
I am very intentional and conscious of how I father my children. I teach, I rebuke, I love my children & when the time comes I will let them go. I love their mom more than them, so they know their emotional supports are strong. I probably fail more than I succeed, but parenting is hard and I am learning as I go. You always seemed good at that or at least you tried. I know I parent with a flawed character, but I have and continue to apologize to my kids for my failings because they have to see an honest model of failure.I'm happily married. Marriage is complicated and it isn't always simple. I just don't always get it. I feel like we are one unit and I have spent the last 10 years figuring out how this unit works. Its weird and for someone whose natural inclination is to be isolated being married with children can be ....tricky. My life kind of revolves around them and it is more joy than strife. I recently realized that my kids are about the best thing I could ever do in this life. I think you said something like that to mom once upon a time.
I wish you were here. Mostly for selfish reasons. I can, have & will continue to get along fine without you. There are people who love me and a gracious God that backs me. I just would like another drive to the store with you, touch your hands & feel the gross warts, see the character of your hair, see your toothless mouth, feel your stubble and smell you. Even if I could though, I wouldn't be satisfied. I would want to take you from death and return you to a flawed world. I want my father back. I wanted you back for 21 years 10 months and 8 days. I keep your memory in a special place in my heart. Its is free from cobwebs and dust and I often return there when my sons tenderly embrace me and I relive a moment we had together. I wouldn't change the past. I just miss being in your shadow. Ill love you every minute until your leathery hand touches mine. I want my kids to do better than me and Ill do better than you. I will remember the moments and be glad for them. I love you so much Dad.
