As a person who considers myself somewhere on the spectrum of neural divergence, I have considered myself a student of human beings. People have a curious ability to convince them self that they hold or believe an idea they don't practice. Have you ever been told to "ignore someone." I have never been able to do that. I cant simply just pretend a person didn't say a certain thing or treat me a certain way. The consequences of human inter-personal relationship are real and I have never seen anything to make me believe the consequences can simply be "ignored."
The reality of what people are saying is actually a little bit different in its practice. A meaningful parallel is the blessed pot-hole. During the particular winter we have experienced, temperatures have swung wildly and left our roads quite treacherous. My belief is that the choice to "ignore" a persons actions, it actually extends to the person as a whole. If you find someone unpleasant, you're not going to put your energy into them. They are to you like a pot-hole. Something that when you come across them you become careful and you really want to avoid them completely. We demonise conflict. We turn people into liabilities rather than people.
There is a loneliness problem in this world. There are 2 types of friends: situational and actual friends. Situational friends are friends that you share a common interest or circumstance. Real friends are friends who you mutually pursue simply because you enjoy each other and you desire to share life. I understand how this framing might look, but it isn't a reflection of value. Some of my best relationships I have had were situational. Beautiful, sweet wonderful people I hold in my heart I have encountered in common situations. I admit that, whether I want it or not, most friends will be situational. The difference between them is a level of commitment and, unfortunately, depth. Everyone wants secure relationships. Where the commitment is evident. The person who will come help you move. They will babysit your kids. They will lend you their car. The got you.
I have a confession for you. I am a pot-hole. Specifically in the church I am currently attending. I am a person who has behaved in a way that people have "ignored," either because they didn't think I would be receptive to correction or (more likely) they just didn't want to bother with me. So I get tolerated or completely ignored. By extension, my family also is to a degree ignored. I am surrounded by people who are way too polite to tell me what problems they had with me and, out of a spirit of selfishness masquerading as politeness, they choose to abandon me. I am not suggesting that I have no accountability in my own life, quite the opposite. I actively seek to be accountable and make my presence a greater joy. I am denied this for the sake of "politeness." People, in the world more broadly, tell themselves similarly comfortable lies where they dismiss someones issue because they think that makes them a better person. The reality is less sophisticated. It is easier to leave a person alone in their struggles then to get down in the dirt and help a struggling brother or sister. "After all, I dont owe them anything," they think.
The other part of the issue is the sense that people feel they are entitled to quit relationships as soon as they dont get certain things. A sense of "owing" is usually the idea that is cited. Cliches like "to thine own-self be true" are quoted. The only singular priority is the "self." Yet, that is also a very lonely proposition. I remember when I was a kid seeing extended family hide from their elderly parents because they didnt "enjoy them." They currently suffer a similar fate and I am quite sure the parallels are lost on them. I know another man who refused to see his elderly mother on her deathbed because he didnt want to remember her in that state. He neglected his mother in her final moments because it didnt suit him. When all our loyalty is based on utility what happens when we stop offering it.
Welcome to our world. As long as you are mentally healthy, happy, well-supplied and fully capable we definitely have something for you and if not then that chair in the corner will suit you fine.
I confess I am not free of responsibility. I, no doubt, have a list of sins of people I have neglected. Make no mistake, relationships should not be abandoned lightly. My struggle is finding other people for whom the desire to reach back exists. A friend with whom I can experience conflict, stale conversations, anger, criticism and negativity. These are the parts of the human experience we forget. We prefer to focus on the fruits of the spirit in the Bible joy, peace patients, goodness and self-control. We forget about the description of love in Corinthians. Love always protects, always trust, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. As an exercise, replace love with your name and then repeat the verse at the beginning. Tyler always protects, always trust, always hopes, always perseveres. Tyler never fails. Nope. Doesnt sound like me. How'd you do. Lets make a deal. Lets both agree to do better.
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