Just when you thought we were done

I lost my Dad at 16. Since then I have come to notice some striking similarities that come with grief. Its a little bit like cars. There are some differences, but its a basic category that everyone shares an identity. As time has gone by I have taken the opportunity to opine to people in the midst of grief and they seem to have found it helpful. Grief is isolating and reaching into that isolation can be helpful. I found it particularly so when I lost my Dad. I have contemplated the effects of his lost for 26 years and I thought I understood the subject, but as Mike Tyson once said, "everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face."

On October 20 we went to my parents house. My step-dad was breathing quite heavily. After dinner he went into his chair and immediately went to sleep-a very unusual act. Early the next week we found out he had been brought to the hospital. A week later (October 30) he was gone. This is an oversimplification of the timeline. My step-father had been in my life for 20 years. He was there longer than my father was. He was very much part of my family we feel his loss. 

Whats interesting about his loss is he had all the hallmarks of what would be considered a "good end." He did not have a long protracted illness, but it was long enough that we could say goodbye. He had a bad heart, bad lungs and he was brain damaged. He lived with some deep and profound challenges and lamented his life. He lived in particular anguish and resentment that he could not contribute. He was a delightful man, but was challenging to love. Based on all the markings you might look at the situation and think "how are you even upset about this." 

I think this situation touches on a more fundamental piece of grief. In addition to the sense of sadness for the absence of a person, there is another feeling I think and that is resentment. There is a fundamental resentment that this person can only be found in your memory. There is no future with this person. Only past. It is the part of emotion similar to having something stolen from you. Resentment is the part of the grief a person can move past, but it is definitely present in all grief on some level. Even with someone like my step-father, the knowledge that he I wont see him smile at me again or say something nice to me is a loss. It is a cold world and I lament the loss of his warmth for me. He will live in stories, pictures and some video, but not where I have known him to me. 

I remember this feeling clearly when my biological father died. How many times I heard, "he's in a better place" and how many times those words made me angry. It's strange to think that there is a component of self-interest in grief. Grief is my loss. I suppose that's one of the reasons people have such a hard time dealing with grief because it is one of the more naked expressions of one self-interest. 

In a culture that is so "self" focused we really struggle with reaching into someones bubble. We insist that we have no obligation, but people being in grief present an obligation. We are obliged to extend our-self to that person so we find some platitude to fill the moment. We ignore it quick as a flash and endeavour to act the part of a normal conversation. We want to get back to dealing with our own universe and assume the grieved will figure it out. Yet grief endures. Struggles endure. The need to let go of yourself and care for others has never been greater in the world we dwell. Whether people are in grief or not, if you dont believe you have any obligation to anyone then no one has an obligation to you. If people in times of trouble dont require your attention then you are entitled to none. The simple reality is that this is no sustainable. This is anarchy. A better society is built if we believe we have an obligation to the long term well being of those around us.