Hello again my dear friend. Thanks for coming back. I appreciate you being willing to listen to me.
I was thinking about this watching Jerry Seinfeld talking to famous comedians. Its interesting when you see objectively famous people who have "success" by objective standards and they still find things to worry about. I think perhaps that that is just how people are wired. People are looking for the next high of serotonin. Serotonin is a chemical in your body that helps regulate mood. Lots of it means you feel good. Obviously no one process can be boiled down to one chemical, but its our search for "good feelings" that keeps driving us.
I observe that in my children. My youngest son knows that if papa is drinking something its probably something he would like to try. If I let him try it, he will stay there and ask for more till its gone. The next time he sees that he knows to ask for it because he knows what the results will be. I often look at some of the choices I have made in the past when it comes to money and it strikes me that I made these choices for pure pleasure. I didnt care. I didnt ask questions. I did it because a positive outcome would make me feel good and I didnt value the consequences. Perhaps this is a western view, but I find self-denial odd. I find it alien. I admire it, but in the same way I admire most skills I dont possess. I see the use of it, but don't automatically want to emulate it.
Growing up people always ask the question, "what would you do if you'd win the lottery?" I think if we're honest it boils down to-we'd go on a serotonin bender until we found something new to worry about and go back to being the people we were before the lottery. Kind of disappointing if you think about because the reality is, if you were faced with the solution to all your problems...you'd just have to work harder to find new problems. Its not the destination, but the journey....I'll be honest this does not make any sense to me on an emotional level. I am a caniver. I am schemer. That is my nature. What do I do when I cant canive and scheme? What to do when you cant struggle any more.
I guess then at that point we graduate into more of a metaphysical conversation. What is the meaning of life-that kind of thing. I have never really had a problem with the metaphysical questions. I have always found religion can really articulate these difficult problems very well and this is a well explored area for me so it isnt a place I go too readily because it rarely adds. What I mean is, when I ask the question "how do i pay the hydro bill" the answer is almost never "Jesus." Its not to say that faith cannot inform your day to day, but the day to day offers a dispassionate set of questions and answers. Like playing a game of endless clicks. If you have enough tenacity you can get to the end with a good score.
This is a blog about my family. How does this all relate to my family you might ask. We'll my dear reader I see these questions asked every day. When I make my oldest son memorize the reference for his verse from Sunday school because being thorough in life counts for a lot. Where I explain the reality of hunting to my youngest son, even though he gets emotional thinking of an animal being killed, because knowledge is power. Where I discipline my daughter for not showing respect at meal time about the food because people will reject a person who does not know how to show respect. As a parent I micromanage their development and try as hard as I can to sand off as many of their rough edges so that people wont be cut on their personalities and they can engage in the world with ease.
I often hear people describe their children as "jerks." I get that sentiment. I think if you take the most unvarnished version of yourself and put it in a room with a bunch people who are usually not your favorite-the word "jerk" might be the best word for the actions that follow. Yet the experience of parenting is sweet. Even in the moments of challenge, I still find it sweet. I'm not doing it right, but the experience of knowing my children and being able to see them experience life with fresh perspective is so beautiful. To see my wife relive a joyful childhood through her daughter. To open opportunities of mischief to my sons. Its just all so exquisite. If I cant afford to send them to college, maybe thats okay. Maybe being happy is more about putting yourself to building something bigger than yourself. Its odd sometimes to be really grateful and really disatisfied. Maybe I can be both and maybe thats okay. The gratitude leaves me happy and the disatisfaction will make me head to work on monday.
No comments:
Post a Comment