Autumn Justina Grace. Autumn-name take from a movie 500 days of summer. The name of a character who reconnects the protagonist to fate. Justina-name taken from my wifes grandmother. A kindly, sweet lady with a heart of gold. Grace- name from the idea of divine influence that operates in humans to regenerate and sanctify.
She turned 3....on July 8. To be honest, I have been thinking about this blog post for two months. I worried about it dear reader. I did not worry about you judging me, but I worried that I might not be clear. I wish to reflect on my journey of being a father of a daughter.
This might seem like I am making a mountain of a mole hill, but bear with me. You see, growing up I was exposed to a great deal of feminist ideology. I took (rightly in my opinion) a negative slant away about men specifically. I believed that women were the victims of men. I worried I was a victimizer because I was a man. This is not a healthy way to live nor is it accurate. We live in a world where women are afforded the protection of law and have an abundance of opportunity and while sexism is a thing (in both men and women) I do not believe the notion that it is systematic is helpful or practical.
So struggling with the ideas as I did, I was quite stressed upon learning our third child would be a girl. I wondered how I would raise a girl. When she was born I was a little protective in my heart. I was put off when my daughter was 6 months old and got a doll for Christmas. I reasoned, "why does she need to be pigeon-holed so young." Upon further reflection I realized my daughter will have a functioning uterus one day and whether by chance or intention she could end up birthing a child. So by extension, socializing her with children and motherhood does have some utility. As she has grown up I have seen that she wants to be like her mother and other women. She wants to identify and assimilate aspects of female in her world. As much as we like to celebrate "diversity" the truth is, its really handy to be able to blend with your surroundings.
I am conscious that her experience as a girl will not be the same as the experience of a boy. I have experienced the life of a boy and I am aware of what it involves. I am dont know what its like to be a girl. I am looking to be her guide and learn as I go. Finding the parts of life that are common and seeking wisdom where our experiences diverge. I do not and will not hold back from her. She receives the same love and discipline as my boys. I will give the fullness of myself to her and teach her all that I am able to, not because she needs to be an empowered women, but because she is my kid. I don't really care about empowering her because if she can feels like she can take on the world, but doesnt know how to share shes going to be empowered by herself. If she doesn't learn how to respect and listen, the other stuff doesn't really matter. Life is really complicated and difficult. The journey is frought with decisions and all I want for her is a chance to try. If she decides shes going to be a stay at home mom, then cool (Thank you Kristen M for challenging me on that years ago and helping me realize that is ok). If she wants something bigger I will teach her that she needs to struggle for it because thats how life works. I wont hand her things and neither will life. She will experience all the highs and lows and she will own them all herself. It wont be me, or her mom, or men, or women or anyone.
My Autumn is adventurous. She scares me because she doesn't limit herself. She is so incredibly beautiful and I am grateful to be her Papa. She calls skirts "hulas." She says things like "you cant talk to the princess that way (refering to herself)." I am ill equipped to be responsible for something so important and something so precious. I share that responsibility and that joy as much as I can because I believe people add to the experience of your children and more is generally better. Happy belated birthday to my climber, my bean, my princess, my one and only daughter. I wont like to give you away. THe thought makes me sad, but I hope the person who you share life with is worthy of you and the fantastic potential you have stored in your bones. Papa is always in your corner and always cheering for you. I love you into eternity.
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