The Disappointments

 In reflecting on my 44 years of life, there are a great many things that were not as advertised. Ever since I was little the concept of a castle was a magical one-evoking images of fairy tales and heroes. When I was 16 I went to France on a school trip. I remembered how amazing the palace of the French kings (Versailles) was to me. I had never seen anything as beautiful and stunning. Then we saw another castle, it was nice, but not Versailles. Then we saw another one and another one and another one. In a 2 week trip I lost count of how many castles we went and saw. There is something decidedly less inspiring about seeing castle after castle. Much of the magic disappears. There are no heroes, no dragons and no kings. Just a bunch of people milling about doing the things they are supposed to do. 

Another thing that was set as an ideal in life was marriage and family. What an amazing thing it would be when I was married. We got married and whisked away to a beautiful holiday, where we promptly had several arguments. Honeymoons are just the perfect example of the juxtaposition of life. You are presented with an idea of the most exquisite and hedonistic time in your life and it can often end up devolving at times to something else. When you set a level of expectation, it can invariably come back and just simply say "no". You look down at your child, most exquisite example of God's creation, and smile the distinct smell of feces. 

When I was younger, I had a father. He was a man and so he was affected by the same struggles as all men. He lived with a sense of the expectation of his life was not the same as the reality he lived. He struggled with that. The fact that his choices and the resulting consequences didn't match with the reality that played out before him left him....sad, at least he always seemed a little sad. To master the events of your life, it is crucial to be able to deal with them head on. Ask questions, find wisdom, seek support would be example of getting ahead of your problems You need this, at least in part, to gain a level of confidence that you can be the master of your situation. I was with him a great deal of time and I saw him struggle with his sense of self-assuredness,  but he consistently carried with him a "lets try again." Even to the day he died he continued to show a desire to master his circumstance. 

Another father came along in my story. My step-father. He came from a world where a mans value was solely in his ability to be master of his circumstance. Yet there is a crucial element that one needs to face these challenges. That would be your mental faculties. Unfortunately, he experienced a medical episode that left him brain damaged. He faced a set of circumstances that, no matter how basic, he simply could not master. He needed help. This left him feeling deeply insecure while being keenly aware that the most basic social tasks were beyond him. He could see the awkwardness in the persons eyes when he started talking and all he could do was string together nonsense, with a tiny bit of substance thrown in the mix. 

I have been faced with my own disappointment. I loved the Bible and I got a masters degree in it so that I might one day get a PhD and so immerse myself in it. This was thwarted. Simply put, I was good but I wasnt good enough. Added to this fact the challenges of becoming good enough would limit my ability to raise my family and live my life. I gave up the joys of intellectual curiosity to sit across from old people who didnt know their email passwords. All the while, my friends who I went to school with established themselves as leaders in the intellectual elements of the Christian faith. I made a choice and, while I dont regret the outcome, its disappointing that I could not bring together those two elements that I loved. I traded my love of academics for the love of my children. For the record, totally worth it, but that trade came with a cost.

So the question is, how do I prepare my children for disappointment. Jobs failed, illness, relationship disappointment. Life is filled to the brim with experiences that will bring you down. I am unclear as to how to bake resiliency into the mix. Self-sufficiency is fine, but remains slightly underwhelming in the face of catastrophic disappointment.  How do I help my oldest deal with the fact that his social quirks will make it difficult for him to make friends no matter how he feels. How do I deal with the fact that my younger sons lack of self-control will drive everyone from his life because at some point he will have to choose other people before himself. How do I deal with teaching my daughter that the ugliness of humanity is a real thing, while at the same time striving to instill hope. These are balancing acts I cannot square and I suppose it is the burden of parenting that I will send my children into the world to struggle through these questions and sit back and watch how they answer them.