I apologize for not updating the blog more than I have. The last time I did was a few months ago and I ended up putting a post up that revealed the gender of our unborn baby girl. I have also found the last year to be very trying personally and I have only now felt a draw back to writing. My posts will be some reflections on parenting as well as some funny stories. Snippets of whimsy will be included. Due the volume of photos that come in our life I am really going to limit the number of photos that appear here. At any rate, here  I go again.

"Your just like your father." This phrase can conjur a wide variety of reactions from people. The process of personal maturing involves carving our ones own identity thus this phrase can be interpreted to mean you failed as a person. In some cases it can also refer to negative or positive qualities that you reflect of your parent. I find people often through phrases around with a casual air and do not realize the implications involved the majority of the time. In my case this phrase has had an effect on me over the years.

My father was born in 1950. Very much a baby boom era child. He came from an ambitious family. Through out his life he had the tendency to spin his wheels ie make a lot of noise, but achieve little progress. I suppose we all struggle with this to varying degress, but being his son I was aware of his struggle most acutely. He had many ventures that failed for one reason or another. Using a popular method of success one might say he failed (I will address that definition later). He had a number of popular business ventures that had success, but fizzled eventually. Health wise he did not make great choices.

The man smoked for many years. He ate a shockingly high amount of food. He had a bad heart that eventually killed him. For a good part of my life he was aware of his heart issues and only later in life opted to aspire to improve his health.

Now its easy to look at these elements and say, "he wasn't successful at business or taking care of himself, I ought to do better." These answer are black and white. These are the over simplifications that I find will literally ruin a person. Why does a person make bad health decisions? Why do business ventures fail? Its easy to link it back to a character flaw, but the reality of it is that it might be more difficult to pick out a single reason than most people realize.

Black and white concepts are very popular because their easy. Easy to convey. Easy to receive. Doesn't require alot of messing around. Yet they fall short in their real life application every time. For example, if you say a criminal is a monster (rather than a person) than in some way you have let that criminal off the hook of responsibility because a monsters have an excuse. Monsters can only be monsters because they arent human. Yet, if you assign human morality to an individual than things become more complicated. "What a terrible thing for this person to do." "Why did he do it?" It leads to more questions. Questions leads to answers and an understanding of others. This is a lot of work and most people are happy with the black and white. The over simplification is attractive, but ultimately poisonous.

Returning to the original subject, my father, lets examine the original assertions of his struggles in health and business. The worlds assertion of success is that you have achieved your goals and learnt from your failures and now your happy and can lecture people about their need to persevere because "if you did it than anyone can do it." If you examine the dollars and cents of my fathers business decisions, no they did not always line up. Yet if you understood the reputation he had with his customers you would know that he left a lasting impression on them. People will still tell me, as they reflect on their dealings with him, how special he made them feel. This has been a lasting reminder to me that the need or success of a person has more to do with how they walk away from you feeling. You can leave a world that cares for you or a world that loathes the mention of your name. You cant bring your success with you to the old folks home. As I go through my life being "just like my Dad," often means reaching out to people and providing them with respect, love and support in the same way he did to others.

On the subject of his health choices. Smoking and food. Two very common vices. Its easy to look at those as a character weakness. I do. Both smoking and food create a response in the body and that response is often used to subconsciously deal with other things. Yet this leads back to a bigger issue. Mental illness or the struggle to reconcile the real world with how you see the world. This is tough. No two ways about it. We go into the world with a wide variety of perceptions and expectations. We respond to things in as varied away as their are people. Ultimately though, to sit in judgement of a persons struggles is not fair. You dont know a persons journey and can very rarely provide insight to why a person has made the decisions they make day-to-day. This is not to say that character flaws cant be present nor accounted, but remember there is no such thing as monsters.

We learn alot from our parents and I learnt alot from my Dad. As I reflect on my relationship with my sons, I remember lots of hugs and kisses and "I love you." This thought brings a warmth to my heart because I have seen so much heartache in the world start with people feeling unloved. My dad was very good at teaching me to love. He missed the boat in someways, but he left me with the most amazing gifts. I, like many dads, have a deep and profound love for my children. He taught me how to show them love. How much pain, loss and sorrow could have been alleviated by a more compassionate world.