Struck by love

The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places. Truly I have a delightful inheritance. That is from somewhere in Psalms. Before I go to far I must apologize for not updating this sooner. My wife reminded me that there are people that enjoy reading my blog and that I hadent updated it in a while. Truly I dont update it frequently because I often think or feel that I sound pretentious when I write, but I try and be honest and vulnerable and I hope that the second comes across more than the first. I have a measured amount of autism. This is a reality of who I am, of who I have always been. I have also been a person who wants approval, which creates an interesting irony where I dont understand social situations, but my highest reward is social approval. So essentially, I want you to like me, but unless you tell me explicitly to my face I really dont have much of a clear idea.

That being said, I have been a father for almost 3 years and husband/partner for 6 and I dont really get it. I mean I understand it intellectually, but emotionally it doesnt really make loads of sense to me. I think my wife is beautiful, funny, entertaining and very talented. She has her flaws, but I think they are more than surpassed by who she is as a woman. My son is a unique, funny, genuine, sweet and sincere boy. He also has his flaws, but they are surpassed by who he is as a person. I am often struck by the reality of the woman who is with me and the son I am raising and I think, "why are they with me?" As I said before, I dont understand it emotionally.

To speak of my son. My son yearns for me. For the love of his father. And I intern ache for him. When people tell me you cant be a friend to your kid you have to be a parent, I am struck by a persons definition of friendship. Friendship (to me anyways) requires mutual respect, accountability, boundaries and the desire to help one another grow in Christ. Intimacy has a way of changing rules. You should do this, you shouldnt do that. When you love from the truest, deepest place of yourself the rules become a little more grey. This is not to say there arent rules, but how we live them is often finds a firm foundation and can conversely be challenged when a deep sense of intimacy comes into play to offer clarity and/or confusion.

 To speak of my wife. Pregnancy is an ode to God himself. It is the testimony of creation through the physical body of a woman and it is glorious. The glory of anguish, hunger, emotion and finally life. My wife is the vessel from which my sons have and will have come and I continually thank God and her that she was and is willing to bear my sons into this world. Her natural beauty is magnified in these moments and I am swept away in it. I am humbled and scared that such a responsibility is left to this weak person.

 To speak finally of my youngest son. He who has yet to take a breath. I know him. On some deep level I feel his presence and anticipate his arrival. I hear him in my mind arguing with his brother. I hear his tantrums and feel him drawn to me for the same love and intimacy that his brother seeks. I feel my sons cling to me and I let my hearts love and earthly energy flow to them like a river flows to the sea. Without will, but as an act of nature. My son has a name, a room of his own, and eternally a place in our hearts. We anticipate with deep love another life that has found its place among us. To speak of myself. I am in a very low place to put it quite simply. I have attempted many things and many of them have failed in some cases miserably. My will and my emotions have been taxed and I just feel done. I dont say this to ask any sympathy, but just to tell you how I feel. I am profoundly weak in my heart and spirit and I do my duties with a significant degree of effort because the person that I am struggles to go after something more. My current venture is to seek to complete my PhD and become a college professor. I can do many things, but this is where my hearts desire and the worlds need meet and I know this is the right vocation for me and I need to go after it with all that is left in me.

 Thank you again for the reading my blog. I lay my heart out in this digital world and I hope that through reading about my and my families life you are encouraged and brought to a greater faith and hope. Enjoy the moments you are given and lets the alabaster jar of your deepest emotions be broken and let gravity pull it out of you and flow over those you love and the things you cherish.